Otto the Cell Phone Thrower
by Brianna Reiss
Summary: Otto throws a cell phone from a bus and gets fired from Springfield Elementary. In the meantime, China Eastern hires Otto back with a plan in mind: qualifying Otto for the Beijing Olympic Games in the newly-added cellphone throwing event.
1. No bus, no work

CHAPTER 1 :

NO BUS, NO WORK

Back from a trip to Krustyland, Bart and Lisa are comfortably installed in their uncomfortable school bus seats, talking about what they experienced in Krustyland. He told his sister that he liked the "Flying Cannonball", a rollercoaster where the (un)lucky passengers can have a cream pie thrown at him/her.

"I got a cream pie and you didn't!", Bart said. Lisa freplies that she preferred the "Cotton Candy Spinner", even if it's a ride where the nacelles spin on themselves, yet fixed on a platform who also spin. At this very moment, Otto tries a shortcut _by way of the school yard_. In so doing, the six tires of the school bus leave big dents in the grass until the very moment where Otto hits the sandbox edges.

When the front tires hit the sandbox edges, Otto brakes the bus as hard as possible and, since the bus is quite heavy, due to the amount of free souvenirs the kids brought with them. One of the souvenirs prevents him from braking as it should be and the end result is that the fence gets knocked down. Also, as the fence was brought down, he also knocked over a waste basket, who flew off the ground and broke the windshield. Once the bus has been fully immobilized, Otto throws his iPhone in frustration and breaks the window of Principal Skinner's office. Before he gets to Skinner's office, he realizes that this accident may cost him his job but also that it left Bart with a broken ankle.

Principal Skinner then screams, "Otto is requested at the principal's office!"

Otto gets out of his bus, looking for his thrown iPhone. Before he leaves the bus, he says "I'll be back in a jiffy!" to the passengers of the vehicle encumbered by its cargo. When he arrives, the principal has something ominous to say. He says that it's the third bus Otto has damaged or destroyed in the past month…

Principal Skinner announces, "You're fired".

Disappointed by these news, he goes out, looking for a new job, not knowing that, somewhere else in Springfield, a company totally unknown to him actually goes around, looking for applicants. Like in the nuclear power plant, where Homer gets hooked by some Chinese-looking men during his lunchtime.

Homer asks them, "Who are you?"

The first Chinese man responds, "I'm Wang. I come here on behalf of China Eastern…" Homer then spouts, "China Eastern? D'oh! Lousy Chinese company! They're going around stealing our jobs!"

Guan, the second Chinese man, quickly reassures a worried Homer, "We are not actually _stealing_ jobs in the United States; we at China Eastern wish to know the average American schmoes better. To this end, we need to hire American workers. Tell me, Homer, do you have any experience in the transportation industry?" Homer says no and the Chinese men walk away from the cafeteria.

However, even fired, Otto is allowed to search for his iPhone in the principal's office. He frantically searches the office, looking in the wastebasket, the desk, and also the file storage device. "No good", he thought. "I lost all the music I have"

When he finally finds his iPhone, his clothes are all dirty and he tests his iPhone to see if the beating the iPhone took did not affect the functionality. He lets Bart borrow the cell phone just so the boy can see if the iPhone still works. Bart has decided to call Moe while at his workplace, full of customers. Moe, meanwhile, explains the upcoming situation to his "Big Six", the top six patrons of Moe's Tavern, those known to cause 91 percent of all road accidents in Springfield, Otto being purported to cause the remaining 9.

Barney, Homer, Lenny, Carl, Larry and Sam all stop drinking for the time Moe needed to explain what happens, but Barney no longer pretend to play sober, as he begins activating the Duff faucet while Moe made his speech.

Moe begins his speech, "The Olympic Games are slated to begin next week. I want all of you to be on your best behaviour, for that, even if we only encourage America's top athletes, we need to show them that we support them responsibly." During his speech, the phone rings and Bart stands ready to pull his prank.

Bart begins to asks for "Amelia Problems" and no one answers his call, even as the Big Six laugh with the son of one of them. "Is there anyone to solve Amelia Problems?", Moe asks the patrons. "Sorry for this interruption, but we have to designate a driver that does not drink for the bar. Or hire one if none of you are up to the task." At this time, Otto gets in the bar, having overheard the last bit of the speech. "Or hire one if none of you are up to the task" is the sentence that keeps coming back in his head when he finally commits to asking Moe about his possible new job.

Without even asking for a resume, Moe begins Otto's interview. He first asks if he has any experience in the transportation industry. While the bartender interviews the former school bus driver, Barney uses this diversion to drink the entire keg to which the Duff faucet is connected. Luckily, the keg was almost empty and, as such, he didn't drink much.

Otto, positively, said, "Yes, dude", not knowing that the China Eastern executives are watching the whole thing from their room in the Moeview Motel. Then Moe asks him if he drove drunk. He answered yes and he also said that he crashed a bus 16 times without a fatality, 14 of which were under influence.

What Moe does not know is that his Class-B commercial driving license, with P and S endorsements, which allows him to drive a school bus, was in part earned because both Otto and his examiner shared a common hatred for Homer, one of the Big Six. But, even with his record of crashing a school bus 16 times without a single fatality, Moe's answer comes pretty quick, "Sorry, Otto, but you cannot drive the wrecked bus for my bar." A depressed Moe shouted back, "I'd never get any job other than to drive or to play heavy metal!"

This is where Guan and his wife, Amelia, step into Moe's Tavern. Guan's plan is to take advantage of the situation to offer the service permanently, well beyond the Olympic Games, and bolster the business of the tavern, so China Eastern may eventually purchase the place, if it doesn't purchase it now.

Moe prompts Guan to make an order, "What do you want to drink today?" To this question, Guan answers that he wants an _Anchor Steam_. He feels poisoned, but later decides to give his offer, "Moe, I heard from some quite reliable sources that you intended to have a chauffeur service for the duration of the Beijing Olympic Games so you can support the athletes of the world responsibly. Why not let China Eastern do it instead?"

An astonished Moe responds, "China Eastern? Just hope you're not stealing _OUR_ jobs!" To this claim, Guan claims that Springfield's unemployed people included enough people with driving licenses for all of them to be hired through China Eastern of America, of which Guan is the managing director.

The long-beared Chinese executive, Guan, and Moe continue their talks while Otto falls back to his wrecked bus, not knowing that it has been since purchased by China Eastern of America so the previous owner could have sufficient funding and thus offer decent education. He listens to the heavy metal music contained in his iPhone, waiting an offer from anyone (even China Eastern itself!)


	2. China Eastern frenzy

Note: I got my inspiration under the form of a special report about how an athlete gets to the Olympic Games. Thus I decided to make him go for a World Cup event before he sets out to accomplish his goal.

CHAPTER 2 :

CHINA EASTERN FRENZY

The day after, Guan comes to the bus wreck, located near the tire fire, so much as to take possession of it. An excited Otto happily begs, "Can I drive the bus again? Please, please, please!" Guan hears his pleas but Otto did not expect this kind of answer: "Your former employer fired you in part because you threw a cell phone off the bus, but, taking in consideration how far you were from the principal's office, you're a _world-class_ cell phone thrower. If you received proper training, you can get into the US Olympic team of cell phone throwing for the 2012 Olympics, because it's almost too late for you to qualify for the Olympic team in Beijing. Anyway, do not purchase a cell phone lighter than 220 grams or there will be no deal"

A perplexed Otto asks Guan, "Do you actually want your company to sponsor me as an athlete? I mean, I never threw cell phones before, but I'm certain that I can get an IAAF-approved cell phone for competition." And Wang, who was previously watching his superior's attitude towards him, also pitches in, "When I saw the distance from the bus wreck to the principal's office, I realized that, even if you were fired, you actually _had_ an athletic future. No one has since moved the wreck, but a conservative estimate is that there was about 60 meters from the driver's seat to the edge of the principal's office from a bird's eye view."

Guan gives Otto the leaflet containing the official rules of cell phone throw as issued by the IAAF (International Amateur Athletics Federation). "To make a throw, the competitor starts from a slightly recessed, concrete circle of 2.500 meters diameter. The cell phone, to make a valid throw, must land on a 40 or 60-degree arc marked by lines on the landing zone, and the thrower must not exit the circle until the cell phone has landed, then must wait for the judge's clearance to give clearance to exit the ring by the rear half. The distance from the front edge of the circle to the location where the cell phone has landed is measured, and distances are rounded down to the nearest centimeter. The competitor's best throw (usually a best of 3 or a best of 6) is recorded and the competitor who legally threw the cell phone the furthest is the winner. Ties are broken by using the second-best throws of either competitor, and the competitor who has the longer second-best throw is the better. Also, cell phones must not be any lighter than 220 grams." That's the exact transcript of the rules of cell phone throwing.

"Fair enough, I'll consider your offer and I report back to you", Otto says. To this, Guan says that sponsorship included… employment within the _mainline_ China Eastern! "The Chinese will finally get to know what American bus drivers can really do!"

But he knows it's not all fun and games to be an Olympic-level cell phone thrower and he must also train without drugs. With the cell phone throwing event being held in the National Stadium in Beijing, also known by as the "Bird's Nest", in twenty days, he has to swear off drugs for the entire duration of the Olympic Games, even if he does officially not take part in the event. Therefore, he begins his journey by purchasing an used cell phone at a clearance sale, and then weighs his cell phone to be certain it is worthy of IAAF certification. Guan's voice echoes in his head, "Do not purchase a cell phone lighter than 220 grams" and the squeaky-voiced cashier does not quite believe him.

The squeaky-voiced cashier asks, "Why would you want to have your cell phone weighted?" Otto answers that the cell phone had to be weighted to achieve IAAF certification, because he purchased that cell phone for sport and he might be on the Olympic team should something go awry with the prime cell phone throwing team of the United States. This is only if the United States Olympic Committee (USOC) agrees to let him compete; Wang is a retired judge for throwing events, after all.

Despite its name, the IHAM (International House of Answering Machines) sells all kinds of communications-related merchandise. Of course, its speciality is answering machines, but that does not prevent the shop of actually making use of a scale, which is used to measure the length of cable wire so the people can compare the different kinds of wire (aluminium or copper, for instance) for some customers became weight-sensitive. Once he left the clearance sale of the _International House of Answering Machines_, Otto goes to an IAAF-certified field but the only such thing in the town is located at Springfield University. And Wang follows him as a passenger of the now China Eastern-owned bus. But university students also pay their fares, which are identical to that of the public bus for that occasion. Which means that the bus was free only for China Eastern and school staff along with Springfield Elementary students.

Otto warns the passengers, "Hang on tight because we're in for a wild ride!" and he tunes the bus' radio to a dedicated heavy-metal radio from Capital City.

Wang finally gets to know how reckless a driver the "athlete" his company sponsors can be. He also told him that, should he win a medal in either the Track and Field world championships or in the Olympic Games under China Eastern sponshorship, the Chinese system for athletic rewards would apply to him. "And I won't be homeless anymore!", he exclaims, as he learns that even a bronze medal would make him the proud owner of both the medal and a new house.

After a ride full of shortcuts that went through low-traffic, one-way streets, they finally arrive at Springfield University. Everyone except Wang got off the bus when the bus stops at the main building's entrance gate. Then, Wang orders Otto to drive his bus to the campus stadium, where he parks the bus next to the athletes' entrance.

Wang then tells Otto, "No pressure. Just make sure that, when throwing your used cell phone, you don't trip out of the circle." Having seen other people putting shots or throwing hammers, he tries spinning around so the cell phone can gain some momentum. Once released from his hand, his worn-down telephone flies and lands even further than when he first threw his lighter iPhone from the school bus. With Wang's encouragement, Otto learns that there is still time for him to take part in the last World Cup event before the Olympic Games.

An astonished, surprised Otto asks, "What kind of results must I achieve to get my place into the Olympic team? That would be the coolest thing in my life if I succeed!" Wang answers that the bus driver must make the top 8 to qualify and act as the second cell phone thrower of the American team. Also, he tells Otto who to expect to defeat, both in the World Cup event and, eventually, the Olympic Games: Chris Hughff from the UK, current holder of the world record and world vice-champion (silver medallist in Savonlinna), Lassi Etelatalo from Finland, current world champion, Andy Kincaid, the current top cellphone thrower of the US and currently ranked 3rd.

To even have a hope of defeating any of these three people, Otto knows that he must train hard, training as directed by Wang, for he is also the cell phone throwing coach of both Otto and Springfield University.

At home, the children convene with Marge about what happened to them, so the children can explain why they are so late. Bart begins to speak, "The school bus crashed on our way home. And then Otto threw a cell phone out of the bus' door." Lisa adds in that the bus has since been purchased by China Eastern so the school can rest easy about transportation issues.

Marge, somewhat angry about this situation, blames it on the underfunding of the school system. "However, China Eastern seems to sponsor not only the bus driver but also the school he drove for, so I think China Eastern is a responsible sponsor for the school", she says. "So shut up and encourage your bus driver responsibly."

Back from Moe's Tavern, Homer checks in with his wife and she sees him somewhat troubled, for he is noticeably down, even with all that alcohol. On the couch, he turns on the TV and Marge pulls the plug of the TV. "You have a problem", she says. "We need to talk about it seriously"

Homer tells her of China Eastern trying to do the chauffeur service from Moe's Tavern but China Eastern still looking for a driver. "With the cash you'd earn driving on China Eastern's behalf, we would finally do something fun!", Homer argues. "China Eastern? Will I drive the school bus?", Marge asks. Bart tells his parents that Otto may _not_ drive the bus much longer, since he learned that he was sponsored by China Eastern because of his newfound passion: throwing cell phones for sport.

Otto continues his muscle training in a fitness room, pumping iron on the bench press when Wang interrupts him just as he does his 40th rep of his third series, "Sleep well tonight, for tomorrow, you're going to Shanghai! This is the only chance you have to qualify for the Olympic Games! Now, go to the carpet over there and get yourself in position to do set-ups!" Also, this is the moment where Otto cranks his radio up, filled with heavy metal music, like the music the Poison cover band played at his failed wedding with Becky, so he could put his heavy metal to good use.


	3. Cellphone Throwing World Cup

CHAPTER 3 :

CHAPTER 3 :

CELLPHONE THROWING WORLD CUP

Marge, as a house woman, announces to her family that she would apply at China Eastern to drive the school bus. Homer is surprised, even somewhat shocked, Bart furiously objects, stating it will be no fun taking the school bus with his mother, and finally, Lisa says that the ride will be much safer with her mother to drive the bus than it is with Otto. Anyway, she goes to the room the Chinese duet has in the Moeview Motel and she gets an interview with Guan as soon as she shows him the driving license she has.

"How's your driving record", Guan asked. Marge takes it seriously, because it may be the only thing that stands between her and a new job, and she states that she has a clean-sheet driving record. That clean-sheet record makes Guan tell her, "Let me be the first to wish you _coung hey fa choy_" But Marge didn't understand anything; at these words, she laughed with Guan himself, "It's Chinese for happy new work." And she comes back at home, happy about the news and offering a family ride in the school bus tomorrow morning.

The next day, Otto wakes up with heavy metal music in his alarm of the Moeview Motel, and Wang grabs him, stating that he has work to do. With his suitcases, he borrows one to Otto so he can put his personal items in the second suitcase. He has so little luggage that Wang's suitcase is better off with Guan instead. For this reason, all of his baggage goes in Wang's made in China, dirt-cheap suitcase.

Marge, at her home, calls out everyone, "The time for the last bus ride of Otto in America has come!" Bart and Lisa are quite sad to hear this; they loved their bus driver, but for completely different reasons: Bart because Otto's reckless driving can make one miss school and Lisa because he is the one who can carry her to school. For this reason, they wear their formal suits. They get to be seated apart, unlike in the school year, in an effort to spare the problems caused by the proximity of one another. When the bus rolls to a stop near the Moeview Motel, Marge plays the national anthems of both China and the United States in the bus' CD player, just so she can honor the relationships between both countries. Of course, the American national anthem is played first.

Bart, with a sad tone and crying, speaks to Otto, "You've been a friend to me. Don't let me down! Do you think you can earn your place in the Olympics?" He flashes the former bus driver a picture of him so Otto can think about him between throws. Therefore, more than getting a place in the Olympic team or an eventual medal, who would make him go off the homeless records. "This bus means a lot to me, Bart. The picture you gave me was a photo of you getting out of the bus. And also, this bus is my life!"

Otto seats in the bus before Wang and his suitcase. He shows Bart, who is seated on the left-hand seat, the cell phone he threw out of the bus along with the cell phone he will be throwing in a few days, in the World Cup and, eventually, the Olympic Games. "Too cool!" Bart said. "And what if you became the Olympic champion, would you allow us to visit your new home?" Otto answers that it's true that he'll win a house should he win an Olympic medal but he wouldn't know where that new home be.

As the duet arrives at Springfield International (about the same size as Penang Bayan Lepas International Airport: eleven parking slots and a single runway with a single terminal built exactly like its Malaysian counterpart; in short, it's a Penang Intl turned 70 degrees clockwise as its runway is numbered 11/29 unlike Penang's 4/22) Wang realizes that he is subject to the same baggage restrictions as normal economy-class passengers, even as he works for China Eastern. "25 of airport improvement fees on each piece of checked-in baggage! This airport sure is greedy!", he screams. To this end, he showed his China Eastern staff card to the baggage desk attendant (because China Eastern is divided in two: an airline component and a bus component) and he asks "Can I pass this checked-in baggage free because I work for China Eastern Airlines?" The white-gloved baggage desk attendant says that only airline and airport staff can check in baggage for free, so the duet could pass without further incident, as Otto has a passport in good standing.

Otto passes through the staff security line, which is not as tedious as that of standard passengers but still involves a manual search of dangerous items. "Dude, you're smothering me!", Otto complained. The customs agent then hastens his search without finding anything suspicious. "Move along", he said. And neither one has any liquids or metallic implements deemed dangerous; their cell phones, both the IAAF-certified one and the field phone, are stowed in the checked-in baggage being loaded on their flight.

The athlete suggests purchasing a case of beer in the duty-free area past the security zone. Wang accepts to take it on his own account because Otto realizes that he cannot drink Duff until the Olympic Games end. The cashier tells the coach, "It's five-four-niner-zero". "54.90! Is that the cost of purchasing our locally-made beer and bring it overseas?", Wang asks. The cashier explains that the 54.90 includes 12.14 of fuel surcharge and 25 of airport improvement fees. Or they could get 37.14 off but they have to drink the whole thing within the airport walls (for the case of Duff is one of the rare things that remained at US17.76 after Libertyville reverted to Springfield). Carrying this as checked-in baggage would make him use up his second baggage slot and a Styrofoam case because it's fragile baggage. Luckily, such equipment is free for China Eastern staff regardless of passenger service classes.

Wang, once onboard, tells Otto to get into the cockpit and look at the first chart for the frequencies in use. Granted, China Eastern Airlines is not at all like Crazy Clown Airlines, but one thing in common is that they both operate Airbus Industrie A340-600s. He has a left-handed joystick instead of his usual driving wheel and he also figures out where are the flap levers, brakes and throttle are, and most importantly, the autopilot master button.

"Good day, ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. My name is Otto Mann and, since we're such party animals, we have no need for safety announcements", Otto says over PA. As he is lost in the controls of the aircraft, not unlike Homer when he tried to pilot an A340-600 to Chicago when drunk, he does not realize that he has both hands on the push-to-talk buttons. Therefore, all passengers can hear the ATC chatter as Otto reads what's on the chart, "Springfield Clearance Delivery, China Eastern 6050 requesting IFR clearance to Shanghai Pudong." Because the chart was a transcript of what he had to do when he starts the flight.

"Ch-China E-E-Eastern (sneezing) 6050, cleared to (sneezing) Shang (sneezing) Shanghai Pudong (sneezing) via the-the (sneezing) JAKSN5 de (sneezing) departure, (sneezing) then as filed, depart runway (sneezing) runway 29, climb and (sneezing) and maintain (sneezing) seven thousand (sneezing) thousand feet, squawk (sneezing) 1776" the controller, all alone in his tower, says. Reading back the IFR clearance, Otto says this with the hands still on the VHF radio's PTT button, "Cleared to Shanghai Pudong via the JAKSN5 departure, then as filed, depart runway 29, climb and maintain 7,000, squawk 1776, China Eastern 6050"

The tired, sick controller tells him on the radio, "China Eastern (sneezing) 6050, read (sneezing) readback is (sneezing) correct, switch to (sneezing) UNICOM on (sneezing) 122.80" Otto's answer is heard in both the control tower and the aircraft's cabin: "UNICOM on 122.80, China Eastern 6050"

As a result, anger grows in the cabin and the reactions become increasingly aggressive, such as "The FAA has forgotten Springfield International for too long!", "China Eastern needs to train their pilots better", "Down with the FAA", "While the Springfield Airport Authority was busy renovating the airport, they forgot the ATC!" and "The wretched Republican government left our airport with only UNICOM!" To silence them, Otto performs a powerback as he thinks that fully jamming the throttle backward will put the aircraft in position to reverse and the angry mob loses balance. As he begins taxiing, he puts in about half power and makes sharp turns at about 40 knots. "China Eastern, the airline of heavy, hot thrills! We're in for a wild ride!" Otto says over PA to the angry passengers while under UNICOM.

To avoid a possible collision with an aircraft that is poised to land, he kicks in the "Take Off/Go-Around" thrust mode. The compressed passengers don't feel anything, since the aircraft is laden with fuel, passengers and cargo, the aircraft's acceleration is not enough to have significant effects on anyone. As his aircraft gains speed, Otto realizes that the overspeed alarm is about to set off, and he raises the landing gear. No result, as it just increases the acceleration. To avoid the dreaded 250 KIAS speed limit under 10,000 ft, he makes his aircraft pitch up like crazy. And passengers begin to feel uncomfortable even if Otto's "wild ride" continues. As he sets out for the Flex detent on the throttle, the aircraft slows down, forcing him to pitch down very quickly and some passengers break their teeth in the process.

Even more dangerous are the stunts he executes, like a barrel roll, and, more importantly, an Immelmann. The latter figure was long thought to be impossible to perform on such a large jetliner, much less with the fuel necessary to fly a flight longer than 6,000 nautical miles, but Otto's incredible aerobatic capability allowed him to pull it off, even with a "full" load of passengers and cargo. As he grew tired of these stunts, Otto finally commits himself to activating the autopilot, and so he could fly smoothly for 14 hours from KSPD (the ICAO code of Springfield International Airport) to Shanghai Pudong, filed as ZSPD on the flight plan, of which Otto has a copy.

Once arrived, it was another bag of beans: Wang insisted him that Otto tries a bizarre contraption called an _insurance vending machine_. "Ni hao", the machine said as he enters his U.S. quarters, who surprisingly fit in the socket of the device. "Crazy Chinese! How am I supposed to answer such a thing!" Otto screams, in front of the device. He soon realized that he could deposit ten quarters into the machine and he could then push the button to print his insurance policy, issued by China Pacific Insurance.

"China Pacific is known as the no-frills insurance company of China", Wang tells him. The insurance policy is indeed very cheap; US 2.50 is the premium for the entire trip. However, its protection is very limited: for US 2.50, one can US 75,000 worth of protection for just about anything while other insurance companies, like Belair Direct, can pay up to US 2 million of medical fees, but the premium of such policies are about 10 times the premium charged by China Pacific in their insurance vending machines or more. "To remain cool during your stay in China, you should get the insurance"

Otto signs his name at the bottom of the blank insurance form and Wang also gets one. Once the baggage claim has been made, they look for a China Eastern-operated bus. Shanghai Pudong is home to the main China Eastern hub, as an airline, and also home to a bus terminal for several Shanghai-based bus companies, including China Eastern. They leased a few NovaBus Hybrids as demonstrators because China Eastern wants to replace its old bus fleet by hybrid buses.

Otto's service for today links the Shanghai Pudong airport to the Shanghai Sports Palace, where the Chinese event of the World Cup of Cell Phone Throwing is held. As he steps into the bus' driver seat, he instantly recognizes the controls of his old bus, except that the floor is lower, about 25 cm off the ground. And, as such, he drives like a normal US road demon, except that this bus has a speed limiter set to 70 miles per hour (112 KPH), as it is built in Canada. Therefore, he drives the thing at about 90-100 kilometers per hour in the crowded Shanghai streets, full of unconscious drivers, with the bus' radio playing loud heavy metal music. They got to their destination in less time than they needed to complain about the bad driving and, as such, Otto got his cell phone and his athletic suit ready.

The spectators went away from the bus to get to their tickets in the ticket booth. There was another athlete who was onboard _both_ the aircraft Otto piloted and the bus he drove. Said athlete went to the reckless driver/pilot and reassured him, "I think you're actually a very special driver." Otto asked her what her name was, and her answer came, "I'm Janick, from Canada. I know that your country may have some hate for us Canadians, but I learned not to mix sporting and politics"

State Comptroller Atkins, on vacation in China, see both people in the bus. "Otto? Canada?", he thought. And so he tells them, "It's true that I am from Canada, after all. Otto, how did you know?" Otto stated that it was an old memory dating from years ago, and also, "I am under a detox cure so I can try to compete in the Olympics." The story of the thrown cell phone having made its way to Capital City and the Comptroller's Office, Otto discovers that the Comptroller actually encouraged him to compete. "Otto, make your city proud!", he exclaimed.

The organizers give Otto a number: he is #66 to the eyes of the public. In the locker room, he sees Janick doing something uncanny to him and, even with her headset on, Otto can still hear her heavy metal music. "Janick, whatever you're doing is not cool at all", the bus driver says. "I'm doing definite integrals!", Janick replies. "You sure are a brainy girl who can appreciate the most intense music there is! What I don't understand is why I should spin my way to a throw" Otto says, using his sad tone. "At least, I'm not like Ms. Sae Carneira over there, who doesn't know a thing of the physics of cell phone throwing; the reason for the spin is that spinning helps the cell phone gain momentum and gyroscopic stability. Enough small talk and get going; the crowd is waiting for you."

Otto gets his cell phone ready. "This is for Bart", he thought. Then, he steps out on the stadium with some makeshift markers made out of police tapes installed, for the home plate is the place where the throwers, well, throw their cell phones from. Otto, at his first throw in international competition, lofts his telephone at 71.19 meters, after spinning four full turns before releasing his cell phone.

He gets back to the locker room, with Janick waiting. "Poison is my favourite group", she says. "You're more handsome when your force momentum is higher." And Otto replies by asking, "Are you on crystal meth?"

Troubled by what Janick said, Otto does not find the energy necessary to throw cell phones further than 71.19 meters, but this is still good enough to put him in hopes to get in the top 8. Once all the throws have been done, someone announced over PA some breaking news: the cell phone throwers from Lawrence University has been found guilty of doping. Therefore Andy Kincaid, previously 4th, has been disqualified. The top female cell phone thrower of the United States, Chelsea Fickbohm, is also disqualified and banned from international competition for two years, as her teammate, thus any and all chances to see the US earn any medal in cell phone throwing lies on Otto's shoulders. "It's up to me, even if I'm in the Olympics anyway"

In the top 8 round, as there is no Chinese competitor, the crowd calls out, "Otto! Otto!" when he is to throw the cell phone for the fourth time. The stadium, filled with Metallica music, eagerly awaits Otto's throw. As he releases his cell phone, the implement reaches out the middle field and he establishes a "Personal Best" of 78.46 meters, good enough to take the fourth place, one centimetre shy of the previous 4th place.

"Otto, from now on, you're the premier cell phone thrower in the United States for the Olympic Games in Beijing, so as long as you don't take drugs, you will earn it", Wang tells Otto. "Perhaps it is a cool, but short-lived sporting career I'm living; better enjoy it when I can", Otto thought. At the same time, there is someone screaming at the other end of the locker room. (The only place where men and women are separated, in the Shanghai Sports Palace, are in the actual cabins where people put on/off their clothes for competition) "What happened, black magician?", Otto asked her. "You seem to know my… nickname; if I was you, I would steer clear of the Vietnamese black woman. She is slated to win the top honors in Beijing in the next few weeks. However, she has an habit of throwing her cell phone on people that she does not quite like", the black cell phone thrower explains. A perplexed Otto says, "OK, where does that place me? What country do you represent? Maybe I can see you on TV live from the Bird's Nest!"

The answer to this is: "I am Marianne Kwyjibo, a cell phone thrower competing for Zambia. Bart Simpson was the centrepiece of the nightmare I just had. He seemed to call out to me lately" Still confused, Otto just goes out to the home plate of the stadium and, as such, throws the cell phone between his PB and his first throw of the day, at 76.60 meters.

His last throw was ruled to be a foul but no one got over his 4th place, lodging a throw that was a couple of meters off from the national record of 85.99 meters, established by Andy Kincaid in 2007. However, the IAAF-recognized world record is held by Chris Hughff of the United Kingdom, at 95.83 meters and that man won the Shanghai cell phone throwing World Cup event, behind Tommi Huotari and Mikko Lampi, both Finns and the latter being the previous world-record holder at 94.97 meters, established in 2005.


	4. Enter Anita Bathe

CHAPTER 4 :

CHAPTER 4 :

ENTER ANITA BATHE

The day after Otto made his debut in international competition, in which he barely made it to the Olympic team, Marge checks up the mail, "A letter from the _Reader's Digest_ saying that we did not win anything, bills, oh, and there's something for you, Bart" Bart comes down from his room to see the letter addressed to him. He grabs the parcel and he swiftly returns to his room in order to see what's in the parcel. Here is the letter included within the parcel:

_Dear Bart,_ _July 1__st__, 2008_

_Sorry for the date discrepancy__ in the writing of this letter, but I wish to express you my most sincere thanks when you made a prank call to Moe's Tavern and it was taped on the bar's security camera. I also extend thanks to Mr. Szyslak, for sending the security camera tape over to _Potsdamerplatz Junk Gags. _Granted, I began plunging for distance long before I was aware you were behind this scheme, but this video has been my source of inspiration ever since I saw it. I carried a flash drive containing the gag using my name everywhere I competed so I could watch it before and after the event. _

_When something goes awry in my diving life, __your prank gives me the strength of character necessary to carry on competing, but I waited the International Olympic Committee's final decision regarding _plunge for distance_ for the 2008 Olympic Games in Beijing before I could even dare send it to you. I am extremely disappointed that the IOC had not allowed this sport to proceed to the Olympics but cell phone throwing, both men and women, to be in the official program. Also, I waited this long to write to you by fear the Olympic Committee of Germany would strip me of my place I hold in the plunge for distance event if this appearance in a video gag became publicized, as I found out that your voice is almost like my own. However, I successfully signed with the South Harmon Institute of Technology _(SHIT)_, in the United States, and major in science with a minor in education so I can continue training in the plunge for distance should it appear in the _2012 London Olympics_. I chose the _SHIT_ because it showed more support for plunge for distance than any other university in the world. You should know that, in the university-level sporting circles, Lawrence University is closely associated with cell phone throwing just as the _SHIT_ is for plunge for distance._

_I have four years to show the world I can do better than the legendary _Charlotte Boyle_, the current female world record holder in the plunge for distance. A very old world record, almost 100 years old, but if anyone can best it today, it is me, the top female distance diver in the world. However, Springfield Elementary is after me not because they need help with science, but because I begin to coach juvenile cell phone throwers._

_I know that the world of cell phone throwing is doping-plagued more than any other sport; Ryan Cauley, the current United States record holder at 78.97 meters, is banned for five years because of clenbuterol taken _after_ the record was set but still gets to keep his record; Chelsea Fickbohm decided to boycott the US championships but was later stripped of her U.S. record of 45.75 meters because of EPO. Robin Turgeon is _de facto_ the U.S. Olympic qualifier for women's cell phone throwing but never achieved a top 5 rank in international competitions and only one top 10. Just hope that this Otto of yours is on his best behaviour or else, even if he sets a national, Olympic or world record in Beijing's National Stadium _(the Bird's Nest)_ in the next few weeks, if he drinks Duffs or consumes drugs, he will no longer be eligible for Olympic-level competition and even a participation in _Savonlinna_, which is synonymous for world championships in the cell phone throwing world, will be out of his reach. I saw your Otto miss the bronze medal by 10 centimeters in the _Shanghai Cell Phone Throwing World Cup event_ when it was broadcast over the Internet. Before I arrive in Springfield, on Saturday, go get an IAAF-certified cell phone and I'll take you to the school's baseball field for a training round, just so you learn the basics of cell phone throwing. Bring along your family, too!_

_With love, from Augsburg, Germany,_

_Anita Bathe_

An astonished Bart read the letter, "¡Ay, Caramba! Moe did this… to ME? How dare him! Now, the _real_ Anita Bath(e) will come all the way from Germany for what I did here, in Springfield? She is just _insane_!" Bart rushes off to Lisa's room with the letter at hand, "Lisa! I need your help! I need to find a way out of this mess! Read the letter and you'll understand better"

As Lisa reads the letter, the only thing she finds bad in this letter is that Moe submitted a surveillance camera of a prank call to a German TV station and that the real Anita Bath(e) came here to meet with Bart. "You must hide me from her", Bart said. Lisa tells her brother, "Actually, Anita herself doesn't seem too angry at you; she says that _your_ prank allowed her to carry on competing in _plunge for distance_. It is quite an honor for you to meet with a world champion in person, and so I should. I decided to begin cell phone throwing, as I found out that most IAAF-certified cell phones were worn out and should be used even if they no longer serve for communications."

Neither child realize that Otto started a craze of cell phone throwing in Springfield. They see their friends throwing cell phones; even one landed in their yard. For this reason, the _International House of Answering Machines_ reported record business, because it purchased the monopoly over IAAF certification of cell phones for the Springfield/Shelbyville market from the IAAF itself. Marge comes home with the school bus, with a special passenger waiting to disembark after her. "Homer! Time has come for you to go out shopping for a cell phone!", Marge calls out.

Homer criticizes, "A cell phone? D'oh!" But Marge argues that, with a cell phone, she can keep track of what he does a lot more than if he didn't. "We have a special guest tonight!", Marge announces. Bart already knows who that "special guest" is: the Anita Bathe who sent the letter to Bart. However, he kept quiet because he has a plan to execute and should he tell them at the wrong moment, the plan cannot be carried out in its entirety. "First stop: the International House of Answering Machines!"

The supposed "record business" that KBBL-TV reports is best expressed in the form of a long line of people from both Springfield and Shelbyville putting aside their disputes in order to get their old, IAAF-certified cell phones in the resulting clearance sale. Their "eye in the sky" departed Penang… euh, Springfield International Airport in the TV station's helicopter. "Here's our Eye in the Sky, Arnie Pye! The delegation from the _International House of Answering Machines_ has arrived from Penang and is driving its way to the Springfield shop of the IHAM! They're looking for an additional cashier!"

From that position, Bart decides to tack on the challenge of becoming a staff member in the IHAM and applies, amid a long line of people who wait in line for IAAF-certified cell phones. Once Bart arrives, the squeaky-voiced manager, who was a simple cashier when Otto first went in the shop, tells him, "We are waiting after a shipment of IAAF-certified cell phones, coming from Capital City! I'll go check on the orders while you operate the cashier"

Marge warns the other people in the bus: "I will have to go to the airport pick up not only our surprise guest but also the Mayor of Penang City. Just hope that you will get good cell phones to throw!" And the Mayor of Penang came all the way from Penang, Malaysia, to sign a "sister city" treaty, along with the International House of Answering Machines marketing staff, for the IHAM is a Malaysian chain headquartered in Penang. Therefore, Penang's terms for a sister city treaty includes trade cooperation.

Once the shipment of used cell phones has been received, Bart is ordered to roll the red carpet. "Lousy _International House of Answering Machines_! What kind of customers would the IHAM receive to need such ceremonious manners? The President's father?", Bart thought. The manager takes over the sole cashier station in the IHAM because Bart has no experience of cashier ops, even shoving him out of his stool. It turns out that Anita Bathe is the _only_ athlete sponsored by the IHAM when the IHAM-rented cameras, positioned within Marge's bus, were aimed at her. She was dressed like a weightlifter and began spinning around herself so much as to throw her cell phone _at_ the camera. And she was so accurate that the cell phone broke the camera's outer lens. Once the Mayor of Penang, D.S. Ramanathan, repaired the camera, the shooting could resume.

Arnie Pye continues his report with Kent Brockman as the news anchor. "The commotion at the _International House of Answering Machines_ continued as the red carpet is unfurled in front of the shop; wait, is that my _father_ repairing the camera that was damaged in the shooting of the video clip?" Kent asks the helicopter pilot, "Who is your father, the Mayor of Penang?" For some reason, neither Penang City Hall nor KBBL-TV dared to reveal that Arnie was given his United States papers only through the bribing of Springfield police, probably not to hurt the process of making Springfield a sister city of Penang. The helicopter pilot reluctantly admits that his father is the mayor of Penang and the one who urged him to give media coverage of the whole process.

However, Anita says, in front of the camera, "To achieve success as a distance diver, I, Anita Bathe, have to train intensively. The _International House of Answering Machines_ allow me not to worry about funding and my telephony needs; I can focus on my training and my studies. They show support not only during a year where plunge for distance championships are held, but also all subsequent years." The last passage proved to be only a voiceover. Once she is done, she grabs Bart into the China Eastern-owned bus; Anita pays but Bart does not have to, in virtue of his place in Springfield Elementary.

"I can help you away from cell phone throwing", Anita tells him. If what Moe told me in the first place was correct, math and science are the things you struggle most with. English is not as big a deal to you, though.

And Bart says, "How Moe could tell you the problems I have? Or the people behind the _Potsdamerplatz Junk Gags_ are simply assuming that I am no good in class while Anita Bath(e)…"

And Anita says, "The latter is correct. The _Potsdamerplatz Junk Gags _crew think that people with no academic talent would use humor to make up for it. I must tell you that I got inspired into playing sports competitively because my father-side great-grandfather was an Olympic champion. I tried my hand at swimming but I proved to be too dense to have any chance." By "too dense", Anita meant her physical density; ideally, a swimmer should by lighter than water (density 1 kg/L) and Anita was heavier than even Baltic Sea water (density 1.03 kg/L). However, that density best suited her for _plunge for distance_.

While Bart is left at the IHAM for work, Marge drives the bus with the IHAM marketing staff, the mayor of Penang and Homer to Moe's Tavern. When they near Moe's Tavern, Homer exclaims, "We'll show these lousy Malaysian people what beers we Americans drink!" They brought along a heavy drinker from Malaysia, who is about to sign a contract with Barney Gumble and Moe's Tavern to stage a drinking binge challenge.

China Eastern and the IHAM found out that the challenger's tab is not really US 14 billion, but ZW 14 billion at the time it was calculated, because the NASA hid the Zimbabwean code under liquid paper, which was later scrapped off. Considering it was calculated about 18 months ago, it would total about US 1.4 million, which is the purse of the winner. The loser would only receive US 100,000. The drinking showdown would be broadcast in Chinese and Malaysian satellite TV but, unfortunately, only Channel 6 in the United States accepted to air the event.

Guan begins his speech, written by the Mayor of Penang, also a Senior Vice-President of the World Binge Drinking Union. "Today is a day that may mark binge drinking history: the title of Binge Drinking World Champion may, for the first time, be awarded to a binge drinker not representing the United States. In the left corner, from Penang, Malaysia, Aziz Ramanathan. "Arnie! I finally found you, my brother!" Aziz shouts. "Aziz? Why did you stay in Malaysia when our father was a simple city councillor?" Arnie asks. "Arnie, you were disowned by our father because your mother died before I was born. Your mother, Elaine Pye, was killed in the Malaysian May 13 incident by Penang police." Aziz answered to his half-brother.

For this reason, Arnie places the Channel 6 camera in front of his half-brother. The referees, Moe and Anita, stand behind the counter; while the former supply drinks to both competitors, the latter tallies the number of mugs drunk by the contestants and watches out for the time; also, if anyone is unfit to drink, she is to stop the contest. "Live from Moe's Tavern, the greatest drinking showdown of our time is about to begin! In the left corner, representing Malaysia, we have Aziz Ramanathan, the son of the Mayor of Penang and, in the right corner, representing the United States, we have Barney Gumble, the leader of Moe's Tavern _Big Six_. This is Kent Brockman for KBBL-TV!"

As usual, in official WBDU meets, one of the referees takes the "Judges' Oath" and, this time around, Moe is the one to take it, despite his reluctance and lack of knowledge of WBDU procedures. "In the name of all judges, I shall promise that we shall officiate in this World Championship match with complete impartiality, respecting and abiding by the rules which govern them in the true spirit of championship", he swears with a Bible at hand.

In front of Penang's City Hall, a giant TV screen has been installed so the townspeople could watch their local competitor and root for him, as he is the son of the Mayor, after all. On the Esplanade of Penang, one could see a crowd of thousands with Malaysian flags, horns, ready to holler "Malaysia! Malaysia!" and "Aziz! Aziz! Aziz!" as he seems to out-drink Barney, but his strategy was not sound. Aziz lacked the power to carry on drinking and Barney uses this moment to strike at Aziz' chances to win the drinking duel. However, using his final strength, Aziz out-drinks Barney for a few minutes and they both belch when they are equal one another.

"Bart, come back tomorrow. There are still more customers waiting to have cell phones, either to exact vengeance on their loved ones or to throw for sport" the squeaky-voiced manager says. He rushes to see his father root Barney at Moe's Tavern, only he cannot see the whole event inside the tavern, as he has to watch it from the outside instead. "Eat my shorts, Penang City Hall!" he shouts in anger.

The "Paladin" of Malaysia, Aziz, is nowhere near as fat as his competitor and he loses sight of his objective and surrendered after drinking 8 super-sized mugs of Duff beer, for a total of more than a case. At the time of surrender, Barney only begins his ninth mug and is asked to cease the competition. Malaysia-side, the deception is greatest in the Penang region, as the challenger (and now world vice-champion as he defeated British champion Larry Moist, the previous world vice-champion) aspiring to the title of world champion of binge drinking was very narrowly defeated. Accounts by Moe Syzslak and Guan Yu report that the winning margin is no greater than a tablespoon.

As of now, no actual proof of victory was awarded to even the World Champion. The mayor of Penang will introduce the official emblem of a victory in a World Championship match as well as the second-place finisher and third-place finisher emblems. All three implements are flashed on TV but only two will be awarded, the third will be shipped to Larry Moist's home in Portsmouth after the medal ceremony, headed by the Mayor of Penang in person, DS Ramanathan.

Arnie begins using his formal tone, "The silver medallist, representing the Federation of Malaysia, Aziz Ramanathan!" And Aziz gets his medal, with the _Neguraku_, the national anthem of Malaysia playing as he receives the medal from his own father. The medal ceremony turned out to begin as a family affair, the ceremony master being the silver medalist's brother and the one who awards the medals being said person's father. Perhaps the signing of the "sister city" treaty was just the occasion D.S. Ramanathan needed to reconcile with his first-born child. Or perhaps simply an excuse to do it.

This is the final stretch: after the _Neguraku _ended, Arnie continues the medal awarding ceremony, "The champion, representing the United States, Barney Gumble!" Then the "Star-Spangled Banner" begins to play. And the crowd cheers on as their local champion gets his gold medal. And gets his beer tab fully cleared.

"Homer, I almost forgot about your son. Because Mr. Pommelhorst will not teach Physical Education this year, and Coach Krupt has been re-assigned to Shelbyville Elementary, I will be the PE coach for this year" Anita tells him, once she is out of the counter. Then Bart gets in the bar to see where Anita is. "Are you ready to heave cell phones out on the baseball field?", she asks. "Excuse me, Anita Bathe first…" Bart said.

"So what about me? It's true that I was featured in one of the _Potsdamerplatz Junk Gags, _but it's no reason to disrupt your sentence! I know you meant that I first promised it in the letter I sent to you from Augsburg" Anita says. I see you have an IAAF-certified cell phone but this is not what we use today. Today, we will use a rubber-made phony cell phone, of the same weight as the real thing.

For safety reasons, Arnie, Aziz and their father use the China Eastern bus service out of the bar. Also, since Homer has left his car at home, he uses the bus with his son and Bart's coach. Homer goes to the park along his son, just so he can see what his son is doing, no matter what happens.

"For starters, Bart, try throwing the cell phone with your left hand. Once you're done, go grab your cell phone and come back at the home plate" Anita says. Bart spins counter-clockwise (seen from above) with his implement in his left hand. His fake cell phone lands about at the third base, which would be ruled a foul. The second throw is done by rotating clockwise with the cell phone in his right hand. Homer, seeing the whole scene from the second base, gets hit by Bart's cell phone, despite being (square root of 2) times farther from the home plate than where he previously threw the phone. As such, the phone flew for an horizontal distance of 25.91 meters (85.00 ft) before hitting Homer's head. Anita exclaims, "Good throwing!" while Homer shouts, "D'oh!" as he recovers from the pain the impact of the cellphone inflicts on him.

The PE coach tells Bart, "If you were properly trained, by someone like Otto's coach, you could, one day, compete at the same level as him, though not necessarily side-by-side." And then he faints.

We can see Bart's dream: he is in the crowd of the Springfield Courthouse when the Superior Court is in session in the Kwijibo case. The top female cell phone thrower of the time was arrested in Springfield International Airport while throwing a cell phone at a customs agent. The judge, Iggy Wiggum III (because Clancy has a brother called Iggy, and his father is Iggy II (junior) as Clancy's grandfather is also named Iggy), begins his speech: "Marianne Kwyjibo XI, here's your choice: either you accept four years of probation in order to train Bart Simpson for the next Olympic Games for free or you are extradited back to Zambia." The Black Magician, who travelled to Springfield in order to study Ph.D. level economics, answered, "I would rather stay here for four years in probation than return to my own impoverished, politically-troubled country." Because the Zambian high-school sensation cell phone thrower, also the first African cell phone throwing women's champion, is actually the 11th generation of Kwyjibo firstborn daughters to bear Marianne as first name.


	5. Beijing Training

CHAPTER 5 :

BEIJING TRAINING

Unlike the rest of the United States Olympic team, who is entrenched in San Jose University to proceed to China afterwards, Otto is _already_ in China. He takes the time to acquaint himself with the other cell phone throwers, like Marianne Kwyjibo XI. "Otto, can you do me a favour, please? I want to speak with Bart Simpson, if only through a chatroom" Marianne asks. "Marianne, you want me to link to Bart Simpson in the United States? Wait until we're in the Olympic village in Beijing and I'll get it done for you" Otto answers. "I agree to communicate with Bart only when I'll be in Beijing only if you accept to watch the women's cell phone throwing World Cup event. And not just to watch it but also from a competitor-allocated seat."

Janick, at the same time, informs him of the latest happenings in the cell phone throwing world. "The United States cell phone throwing team has a long history of doping in international competitions. You are well aware that Andy Kincaid has been banned for clenbuterol, just like Ryan Cauley; also, Chelsea Fickbohm has been stripped off the World Cup for two years and banned from competing in the upcoming Olympic Games. She was the NCAA #1 female thrower, also Lawrence University team captain and U.S. record holder, and finally second on the World Cup rankings, before an excessive red blood cell percentage was detected in her blood" she says. Otto ends the conversation by, "Too bad our own phone pitchers cannot compete in the Olympics!"

He cheers on Robin Turgeon (the only United States female contestant) when she enters the home plate. To the eyes of Otto, she is among the neglected ones, but still worthy of pity. To this end, she begins to spin just like he did yesterday. The end result is that she establishes a personal best of 38.00 meters, just enough to earn her a second top 10 position in an international competition. The meet itself was uneventful until the final throw, where both Janick and Milena were tied for first. Both women threw cell phones but Milena was subsequently declared the winner by a single centimetre. After that, she declares, "Due to fears of pollution within the _Bird's Nest_, I fear that I will have to withdraw from the Olympic Games."

However, China Eastern's stretched resources forces him to drive a transit bus to Beijing, whereas a busliner like a Nissan Space Arrow might have been more appropriate to go from the Shanghai Sports Palace to the Beijing National Stadium. "I'm your driver, Otto. We are going to make three stops along our way: Zhaozuang, Jinan and Tianjin." Wang, also a passenger on that bus, translates the whole thing in Chinese. And so the first half of the batch, whose last names begin by letters A through N, are all aboard Otto's bus. Therefore both Marianne and Janick are in that bus.

"Are you ready to rock?" Otto asks. He puts a _Deep Purple_ CD into the bus' audio system, and the whole bus begins to rock as he drives his way out of Shanghai northbound towards Zhaozuang. Before the trip starts, the baggage of the athletes were stored under their seats, so some of them seem to experience uncomfortable trips because of their legs clogged between two baggage bags. And he also drives as though he was driving the same bus between Milan and Torino, at about 140 KPH. He drives past cars, avoiding pileups as large as 7 cars. Some of these pileups are the indirect consequence of his reckless driving while another of these pileups is caused by an empty car delivery truck The latter is not actual pileup, more like the truck took all seven cars that were in a single file.

"Otto, I'm scared! We're going too fast with that music!" Marianne shouts to Otto, even louder than the Deep Purple music being played onboard. "How could your screams of horror pierce through the oh so loud but real music, which is about where you can find smoke related to water?

Once arrived in Zhaozuang, three and a half hours of driving northwest of Shanghai, Otto announces that they have an hour to eat whatever they want, except for food containing forbidden substances. As for Otto, he goes out with Wang to eat whatever they want, like that Chinese restaurant named Mao's. "Chow mein for me, please!" Otto ordered. And Wang has invited both Janick and Marianne to sit at his table. They would eat _General Tao's chicken_ and, in Janick's case, onion beef. However, the complimentary soup was a _fa san _soup, i.e. peanut soup.

The red napkins on their table leads to questions on Marianne's part: "Did someone bleed on these napkins?" Wang answers that, in Eastern China culture, red represents the pleasure of the table arts. And also that it is the same red ink that it is used in the red paper that one can purchase, either in rolls or in packages of 500 sheets. However, Wang pays the whole bill, as he actually sees a benefit to this. A tax benefit, that is. Hopefully, the bill isn't too high, despite the increased appetite due to the three athletes' metabolism.

As they get back in the bus, the other China Eastern bus arrives. "When we arrive at the Bird's Nest, you have to leave us alone. For the time being, do not put on your national uniform. I will drive until we get to Jinan so you can get some rest. I don't want you to arrive at the Beijing National Stadium tired from 11 hours of driving!" Janick instructs Otto. As such, he gets a seat directly behind the driver's seat. He realizes that Janick drives somewhat differently from Otto, even with Wang's English-written directions. She does not drive as aggressively, but more aggressively than Armin Tamzarian, the principal, shortly after Otto crashed the bus for the 15th time.

"Dude, just put in the music of your choice! This CD system is just like any car-mounted CD system!" Otto tells her.

At least, the buttons aren't written on in Chinese, unlike the clearly visible fire extinguisher who has Chinese-only operating instructions. The bad state of the roadworks leads to a massive working site, where Janick applies full throttle only to stop using all braking power, even the handbrake, leading to athletes whose teeth hurt even if they don't break as the teeth of "Toothbreaker" passengers do in Euro Krustyland, located in Orleans, France, before the attraction park caught fire at the time the kids were in Kamp Krusty.

She realizes that she is among the best-trained Western roadhogs to ever drive a bus in the People's Republic of China and Chinese roadhogs are well-trained in construction site procedures. And that most driving accidents that do not involve either DUI (driving under influence) or mechanical issues are caused by the responsible driver's lack of training. And Marco comments, with an Italian accent, that "Our training of dangerous driving under construction sites is just not up to Chinese standards."

Italy is well known in the competitive roadhog world as the best speeding drivers in the world, for their own training grounds have speed limits of 50 mph in the open streets, and up to 140 kph (87 mph) on the expressway. Marco Balzarotti, Italy's top cell phone thrower and also a medal contender in Beijing, therefore has the honor to drive the bus to the Bird's Nest, due to his proven track record in speeding (he once drove a Nissan Altima GXE 2001 at 210 kph without getting a speeding ticket). Who will drive between Jinan's Lanshao Gymnasium and Tianjin's food court? That's the question Otto is asking.

"Teach Kwyjibo how to drive!" Wang said. "She was purported to be unable to drive, but be aware that driving a transit bus is not at all like driving a normal car!" Otto is still on his bus seat, sleeping like many of his fellow athletes. However, due to the working site stretching over 50 kilometers at the time, this led to Mr. Huotari asking Janick, "Are you sure this is the right road? From the looks of it, it's like they are extending the Great Wall of China!"

And it continues until they are 20 km from the Lanshao Gymnasium, who is conveniently located near a baseball field. For athletes specialized in throws, baseball fields are often synonymous with throwing, but this time around, they are playing a red-eye baseball game, with four innings, with two teams.

Marianne, even if she purchased a MLB-compliant baseball bat back in Shanghai, is confused. "Baseball? Give me a break. We were supposed to do something else than playing baseball." She sees Otto throw a baseball at her, as he is the starting pitcher. The baseball itself hit her but not so hard as to actually lose balance. When a pitcher's ball hits a player, the opposing team has two balls. And Janick throws another ball at Marianne, who actually hits it and scores a home run. One of the "early birds" at the other end of the baseball field gets hit and, unlike Marianne before her, falls.

The game is over, Marianne's team wins, 10-4, and then they get into the gymnasium. So as Otto bench presses, Marco is off training his abs and the Estonian champion, Timmo Lilium, is on a treadmill. Otto will have to watch closely for him in the Bird's Nest, as he was 5th behind him in the Shanghai World Cup event.

"Hold on, Otto, twenty more on the bench press and you can move on to the treadmill" Wang tells his protégé. "No, treadmill is so old. Using the step machine is best done with Lynyrd Skynyrd music!" Otto protests. "I'll let that slide because the step machine also works out the things a treadmill does. But this is a last-minute, red-eye workout sequence. After 10 minutes at a heavy intensity setting, go do 3 series of 45 sit-ups. We will have ample time to rest in the bus."

The Zambian woman seems drawn to Otto and she does sit-ups with the rhythm of Black Sabbath music. Not that she doesn't stand heavy metal, but she seems somewhat irritated. She complains, "My ears! We listened to such music for the first half of the trip! Let me choose the music if I am to drive!" Otto informs her that she is to drive the bus to Tianjin and an Italian roadhog is to drive on the final stretch to Beijing. And Otto is off refuelling the bus before the other athletes in the bus are done with their last-minute training sessions. At the PetroChina petrol station, he asks for diesel-ethanol. That suggestion leads to swears in Chinese, because there are two tiers of diesel-ethanol: the Basic and the Advanced. He estimates that about 200 liters of Basic diesel-ethanol are necessary to get to Beijing and to commute between the Olympic Village and the Beijing National Stadium for nine days of competition in the Bird's Nest.

Marianne gets out a few minutes before the other athletes so she can get accustomed to the controls of the bus. "This is the driving wheel; be careful, yet cool when using it. And tight turns can work out the arm muscles. Also, the left pedal is for braking and the right pedal is for the throttle. Keep an eye out for the speed and the fuel gauges." He has a full understanding that Ms. Kwyjibo is no driver. And the speed limits are 100 KPH on the freeways, 50 on the streets and 75 in working sites. She already knows what are stop panels: the red octagon usually means that a vehicle must come to a complete stop before the line (or the car in front of his/her vehicle). "Let's see what you're made of behind a driving wheel, once everyone is onboard!"

It's all because they get to drive on the designated Olympic lanes between Beijing and Tianjin that Otto has to teach Marianne how to drive. These Olympic lanes are temporarily designated to be usable only by athletes, officials and journalists covering the Olympic Games. The athletes all go inside the bus in world record time without even paying their fares (China Eastern locally sponsors the Olympics after all).

"How do you turn this on?" Marianne asks. Otto says that she has a button to touch, but that button has only Chinese writing on it. Once that button has been flipped on, she can engage the gear to drive. And she begins to drive quite slowly but not so slowly as to have cars collide from behind. Unlike the previous two drivers, she is a lot more defensive on the drive and arrives in Tianjin about 30 minutes before the second bus. This means the second batch took a lot of time in Zhaozuang and Jinan. They get into an "all-you-can-eat" buffet with different food from all around the world.

Wang asks to the sole male United States cell phone thrower, "Otto, what's wrong?" And Otto's answer is, "I made Ms. Kwyjibo fall in love with me, while I try to woo Janick. I'm not in the mood to eat, dude. I'm crystal-clear to Marianne's eyes" He does not even dare eat anything, so Wang screams directly into his ears, "SEK TOH TI!" Literaly translated, _sek toh ti_ means "eat more" in Cantonese and, as such, Wang urges the bus driver to eat more, and he repeats "sek toh ti" each and every time, to which Otto answers, "I don't understand." Until he claims that "it is our only chance to eat before the Opening Ceremonies."

Instead of eating, Otto just throws the contents of his water glass on Wang's face. To this, he adds the throwing of a cream pie with a slice missing, like a Pac-Man in its cream white version. As he did it with cell phones when he still was in the Shanghai Sports Palace, he spins around before throwing his implement, targeting not Wang but Marianne. The cream pie is about to hit the black-skinned, Zambian schoolgirl but the cream pie hits her right-hand table neighbour instead.

"Was he targeting you?" he asked Marianne. She answered, using her wits, "I assure you that he didn't target me." Her table neighbour counters by saying, "I'm sure he got distracted by the arrival of that Mini Cooper (a car universally known as being a small car) who was crammed with clumsy clowns." These clowns are, in order, Chinese fake versions of Pr (Professor) John Frink, Krusty the Klown, Gabbo, Hollis Hurlbut, Captain Tenille in his one-man-band form, Thelonious and Howard K. Duff VIII. And these fake versions are so ill-made that they are hilarious to non-Chinese eyes, even if they tripped over the car's door. Every non-Chinese patron of that all-you-can-eat buffet laugh at these ill-made Chinese copies trip on each other as they enter the buffet. And, despite his failed pie prank, this joke was enough to make him laugh all the way to the buffet tables.

He finally commits to eat what was eaten in the last restaurant stop. And, like Homer before him, he tried eating all that he could but Wang grabbed him out of the buffet table because they were in a hurry. Because everyone else has finished eating, even Marianne and her table neighbour, who got his face washed, and they had a tight schedule to respect. Marco closed the door manually but Otto is sandwiched between the door panes and Wang smashed his face against Otto's back. As a result, the coach falls on the ground and the Italian road hog is forced to open the door. Wang comes back crawling and he gets up by the door just so he gets in.

On the road to the Beijing National Stadium, the Mini Cooper smashes the rear of the bus because Marco brakes so hard before going through the Olympic lane on the expressway. The mini car containing the fake clowns is sent flying along with its occupants, not knowing that they were just sentenced to death. All of them. This proved to be a distraction for the second bus, whose anchor leg is driven by Ms. Sae Carneira herself. They have a run-in with the police because the mini car crashed just in front of the bus.

Milena tells the policemen, "Their driver is so clumsy! Open the car's door!" When the policemen try to open the door, they have to smash one of the columns supporting the roof to free the bodies trapped in the vehicle. "The accident began when the driver suffocated to death. Luckily, they died minutes after their death sentence was delivered, for none of these clowns were in the courtroom of the Tianjin High Court. They all died either on impact of by suffocating" the policeman stated.

But as Marco feels uneasy on the Olympic lane of the highway, Milena catches up on the first bus by putting on her best speeding skill, obtained by driving a transit bus in Ho Chi Minh City (Vietnam). Even if she was purchased from Angola and she obtained Vietnamese citizenship afterwards, she still had to work in the afterseason. On the kilometres left to drive between the outskirts of Tianjin and the Bird's Nest, in northwestern Beijing, the sheer speeding skill of the Afro-Asian woman allows her to enter the Olympic district with only two bus lengths shy of Marco's bus.

Wang tells Marco, "We're getting cornered by the second bus! Make to the finish line at all costs!" Our opponents are gaining ground at every second!" And then ensues an epic driving battle up to the Bird's Nest main parking, in which Marco tries to collide with the bus driven with Marianne, but to no avail. "Marco! Milena is a very good driver when it comes to overspeeding but she is no good for lateral collisions! It's no use pitting her in a lateral collision clash! You are risking 100+ lives if you continue!" Janick warns.

And a photo finish device, installed by a Dutch athlete, awaited both buses engaged in this speed clash. Both drivers wanted to get all the speed possible from their vehicle and the checkpoint being the traffic lights, Marco was in the lead 500 meters out from the main parking of the Bird's Nest, albeit by only 3 cm. To the eyes of the spectators in line to enter the Stadium, this epic battle of the sexes was also an epic battle of the races, since it pits a black female driver against a white male driver. And Marco was demoralized because he is not as good to brake as his opponent, making him lose by 3 cm.

"I fear that the polluted air of Beijing will affect me as a cellphone thrower. I fear that my health will vanish as a puff of smoke if I competed here. Therefore I will withdraw from these Olympic Games" Marco stated in front of a TV reporter. At this moment, the other passengers search for their national teams and put on their national uniforms in the maze-made parking of the Beijing National Stadium. Marianne got lost; Robyn and Otto found the US team quite rapidly and the rest were left to their own; even the Chinese, with their Fei Zhang (or Zhang Fei for the locals), who was offered a wildcard to compete in Beijing due to his country being the host country.

After all the athletes get in a heavily lighted stadium at night, here is the time where the Athletes' Oath is sworn. Ping-pong player Yining Zhang (or Zhang Yining for the locals) holds a corner of the Olympic flag and, having engaged in rote memorization of the Athletes' Oath for weeks prior to the Olympic Games' Opening Ceremonies, stands ready to officially swear it. "In the name of all the competitors…" she begins. She obviously tries to hide her heavy Chinese accent and, in doing so, she pulls the Olympic flag out of its socket. The Olympic flag ended up covering her entire body and the entire crowd laughs at her as she falls over due to the force she used in pulling the flag off.

Other Chinese athletes, such as Zhang Fei (unrelated to Zhang Yining) and Guo Jingjing, hastily put the flag back into its socket. Yining has to restart the oath from the beginning, "In the name of all the competitors, I promise that we shall take part in these Olympic Games, respecting and abiding by the rules which govern them, committing ourselves to a sport without doping and without drugs, in the true spirit of sportsmanship, for the glory of sport and the honour of our teams."

The next night, Otto comes to a short-course (25m) pool in a park near the Olympic Village and is issued a strange challenge, not by a cell phone thrower, but by a swimmer. Obviously, it's not about swimming for speed, but for something else that relates to water. Otto borrows a _LZR Racer _swimming suit from another swimmer, obtained through Ms. Kwyjibo. Because the swimmer from whom Otto borrowed the LZR Racer is Kwyjibo's national teammate and his event heats are not scheduled until tomorrow.

"Otto, I challenge you to a plunge for distance!" she shouted into Otto's ears. "I have a new exercise for you, to develop anaerobic endurance: all you need is to dive from a standing position, a starting block for instance. But the trick is to remain motionless for 60 seconds after you get into the water or your head breaks the surface, whichever comes first. The distance from the starting block to the point reached thereof, is the _distance_ of the plunge. There is a tip I can give you: take a good impulse from the starting block in a forward motion and avoid either belly flopping, diving in a tuck position or entering the water vertically" the swimmer explains to Otto. "In other words, dive like you would in a start! OK, I'm in" Otto exclaims.

She doesn't know that he learned everything he knows about _plunge for distance_ from Anita Bathe when he first met her. He met her when the bus was leased to a tour operator for the summer and she happened to be in the tour. She first talked to him on an hotel pool deck, actually.

"State Comptroller Atkins talked good about you, especially as a cell phone thrower: I happen to be the grand-niece of Mr. Atkins and I am Wilkinson. Julia Wilkinson." She dives first just so Otto can get to see how to perform a plunge for distance properly. But what Ms. Wilkinson does not know is that a plunge for distance competition is like a cell phone throwing competition in the way that it's the best dive out of 3 that is retained for the final score. At least, in the state in which the PFDF (Plunge for Distance Federation) recognizes it.

Otto quickly understood that it is better to hold our breath until the 60-second threshold has been passed. While Anita did tell him about the basics of the sport, she never really trained Otto in it. Julia's plunge was recorded at a distance which would unofficially be a women's world record! "And if Wilkinson was proven to be a complete swimming failure, at least she can try to break Frank Parrington's world record of 86.75 ft (26.44 m) established in 1933" he thought.

The officially recognized women's world record set by Charlotte in 1917 is 18.89 meters (62 feet) but the high school US record is held by a Florida girl of which only surname and her record is known: Bullock's Personal Best is 62.00 ft, set in 1928. Therefore, there are two world record holders. Many potential women's world records may have been set between 1947 (the date at which the PFDF's ancestor disbanded, therefore terminating official endorsement of plunge for distance international competitions) and 2008 (the year where the PFDF was founded). But it wasn't broken in an official meet. However, many national records were broken earlier this year – and the German record held by Anita Bathe is just 3 cm shy of the world record. And Julia's unofficial personal best (should it become official, she would be the first woman to dive past the 20m threshold) is 22.40 m or 73.50 ft.

Otto hears Wang's voice in his head, "If you don't have variety in your workout, you will never achieve your training goals." So Wang can think of it as though the benefits of doing a few plunges for distance would be useful in a cell phone throw, whereas Otto would rather think of it as useless. As such, he thinks about surfacing before the 60 seconds ran out. But he remains motionless for about more than half that time, as he surfaced 17.38 m away from the starting block 33 seconds into his dive. "I feel uncomfortable diving without surfacing for so long" he confesses. He probably feels so because of his father's affiliation with the United States Navy, though he is definitely not afraid of swimming.

"Otto, your swimming suit…" Marianne scolds him. Because even a single plunge for distance with a LZR Racer required said suit to be washed before it could shift wearers. This time around, it's Zhang Fei (from a Western interpretation) who gives him a challenge: it's a push-up challenge. It's the one who can last out the most push-ups that wins. And the winner wins the right to eat a free ice cream cone, at the expense of the loser.

The former bus driver begins performing his push-ups at the same time as Mr. Fei does, under the eyes of Marco. Mr. Fei performs over 400 push-ups in the time Otto needs to do about 250 and to collapse afterwards. "This is not a very cool way to begin an Olympic participation" he thought. He has to pay all four athletes ice cream cones (not containing any doping substances, of course) _and_ to lead them to the ice cream station.

Hopefully the ice cream station was not too far from the park and these four athletes (Julia, Marco, Otto and Zhang) waited in line while yet another athlete caused a commotion by starting a food fight nearby by throwing its hamburger like a shot. Obviously, the athlete was a shot putter, the son of Korea's Hoo-yang Kim (one of the wounded in the _Los Angeles 1984_ Olympics) and targeted Julia for no apparent reason. However, Otto was directly in his targeting line and the headwind was strong enough to slow the thrown hamburger down and hit Otto's face instead.

In true sportsmanship, Marco called off the food fight, despite the public continuing the food fight. As they flee the waiting line and their chance at ice cream, Otto shows Julia how to play another sport (from her point of view). Knowing Otto, it would be cell phone throwing. In his right mind, Otto knows Julia has absolutely no chance to defeat him in the sport for which he came to the Olympics. Except if he was on crystal meth, but he since learned from Wang that crystal meth is a banned substance that could cost him his cell phone throwing career. To this end, they go to the baseball field nearby and "Julia, wait in the line for the home plate!" She does not suspect that the very shot putter that started the food fight was just behind her in the line.

"This place is crammed with throwers of all kinds, except javelin" Marco thought. And he kept a rubber-made implement of the size and weight of a real cell phone. Julia is aimed at by a Chinese kid who throws a discus from the pitcher's mound instead of the home plate. This time around, Julia just can't avoid the throwing implement and, in a burst of anger, throws the rubber-made cell phone at the pitcher's mound from the first base, in hopes of hitting the child. An argument ensues between the boy who was on the second base and the one on the pitcher's mound.

"You threw the discus at her because she seemed like a rotten banana to you!" the first boy claimed. "That woman is not a rotten banana to me; she was able to hit you with the cell phone from the first base!" The cell phone has been thrown at 19.40 meters because Julia wanted to hit the child instead of throwing her best. "You… hikikomori! This baseball field was built on funds stolen from Japan!" the Chinese boy claims. "No! As a little emperor, you convinced your parents to pay for the baseball field!" The Japanese hikikomori waited at night to go out and commit violent acts. He is engaged in a knife fight with his Chinese counterpart, the "little emperor".


	6. A Troubling Revelation

CHAPTER 6 :

A TROUBLING REVELATION

Beijing, two days after the opening ceremony. Otto finally gets to uphold the promise he made to Marianne Kwyjibo XI, the Zambian cellphone throwing sensation. The moment of truth is here: he is about to go to a cyber café near the Water Cube, the venue for all Olympic diving and synchronized swimming events along with most swimming events. Marianne herself gets into the cybercafé only to realize that some websites are deadlocked and only basic chatroom functionality was available.

Meanwhile, Springfield-side, Bart Simpson earns the privilege to use the school's computer lab (which only has one computer purchased with a fraction of a grant from the provincial _Government of Alberta_ in Canada worth US1,000) after 22 o'clock, Springfield time (with DST in effect, it's Z-5). He takes full advantage of that privilege to go to this unique and bizarre event so he could talk to Otto, currently in Beijing.

When Lisa had its A+ grade, the school obtained a basic assistance grant, much to her guilt-ridden conscience. At this moment, the fake Comptroller, really Otto, actually handed out the Canadian component of the grant to Principal Skinner, the first US1,000, while the real Comptroller handed out the second US1,000.

"Otto! Did China Eastern allow you to train however you wish?" Bart writes. Otto replies, "Bart, all I can say is that China Eastern allow me to use all the best music in the world when I'm training. There is someone in the room who wanted to speak with you, though."

At this moment, in the Beijing cybercafé, Marianne takes the keyboard and begins conversing with Bart… in French. "Bonjour, Bart Simpson. Je m'appelle Marianne Kwyjibo, onzième du nom. J'ai plusieurs choses à te dire. En premier lieu, on croit que tu as inventé le terme _kwyjibo_ pour désigner «un grand singe chauve et stupide d'Amérique du Nord sans menton» mais c'est en réalité un virus d'Afrique méridionale qui rend ses victimes chauves comme stupides, nommé d'après ma famille, qui l'a découvert" _(Hello, Bart Simpson. My name is Marianne Kwyjibo XI. I have several things to tell you. First, we believe that you coined the term kwyjibo to designate «a big, bald, stupid and chinless North American ape» but it is actually a Southern Africa virus who make its victims bald and stupid as well, named after my family, who discovered it)_

"Nom de Dieu! Je n'aurais jamais douté qu'il y aurait une vraie famille Kwyjibo qui existerait quelque part dans ce monde! Mais pourquoi es-tu avec Otto? Si tu es une athlète, alors quel pays représentes-tu?" _(I never suspected that an actual Kwyjibo family would exist in this world! But why are you with Otto? If you're an athlete, what country do you compete for?)_ Bart replies, quite surprised that she would speak French rather than English with him.

In French, "Otto m'apparaissait comme la seule personne qui puisse m'aider à te rejoindre, Bart. Et oui, je suis une athlète, une lanceuse de cellulaire comme cet Otto. Mais je sais combien c'est plate pour toi, petit verrat états-unien, de ne pas voir de lanceuse de cellulaire états-unienne en état de gagner une médaille aux Jeux olympiques. Voici ce que je veux : en tant qu'athlète de la Zambie, je veux que tu paries que la seule médaille de la Zambie à ces J.O., peu importe la couleur, soit gagnée par moi. Et que tu partages d'éventuels gains moitié-moitié avec moi." _(Otto appeared to me as the only person that could help me contact you, Bart. And yes, I'm an athlete, a cell phone thrower like this Otto of yours. But I know how disappointing it is for you, little American brat, not to see an American female cell phone thrower capable of earning an Olympic medal. Here is what I want: as a competitor for Zambia, I want you to bet that the only medal that Zambia earns in these Olympics, regardless of material, is won by me. And that you to share your eventual gains 50-50 with me)_ she wrote.

"Eat my shorts", Bart concludes. Marianne is confused at this statement and she does not quite understand what "eat my shorts" mean. By this time, though, she reverts to English and she continues her chat session with Bart, "You are chosen. You are at the core of our prophecy."

He shuts down the computer, angry at both Marianne and Otto. He is angry at Marianne because she didn't quite reveal what the prophecy is all about. And also at Otto because he seemed in such a hurry that he didn't take time for Bart. On his way back, Anita makes him run to their house, for she lives with the Simpsons, albeit temporarily. Bart checks the mail and open the "Top Secret" letter. "Too cool! Classified information!" he exclaims. As he reads the letter…

_August 8__th__, 2008  
__Homer__ Jay Simpson,  
__742 Evergreen Terrace  
__Springfield, TK_

CLASSIFIED

_Dear Homer,_

_I am pleased to offer you the position of Chief Curator at the Museum of the Supreme Court of the United States in 224 East Capital Street NE, Washington, D.C. Your knowledge of the different Justices that, at one point, served in the Supreme Court and your relative political neutrality will help the Museum of the Supreme Court avoid being targeted by the upcoming presidential campaign. I propose that the terms of employment will be those in the attached draft individual employment agreement. _

_Please note that you are entitled to discuss this offer and to seek advice on the attached proposed agreement with your family, an union, a lawyer, or someone else you trust. If you want some information on your employment rights, you can also contact the Supreme Court Public Information Officer at (202) 512-1530, or website__. _

_Also, if you disagree with, or do not understand or wish to clarify anything in this offer, please ring me to discuss any issue you wish to raise. _

_If you are happy with the proposed terms and wish to accept this offer of employment, please sign the duplicate copy of this letter and return it to me by September 11, 2008. In the event I have not heard from you by that date, this offer will be automatically withdrawn on that date._

_I look forward to working with you.  
__Yours sincerely,  
__R__t. Hon. John Glover Roberts  
__Chief Justice of the United States  
__1 First Street NE, 20543  
__Washington, D.C._

_I, Homer Jay Simpson, confirm that I have read the terms set out in the attached individual employment agreement, that I understand them and their applications and that I accept the offer of employment._

_Signed by _

_Date _

"My father, working for the Supreme Court? The Chief Justice must have been mad!" Bart thought. Anita tells him to put the letter back in its envelope and to hide it in Homer's room. Also, once Bart is away hiding the letter in his parents' chamber, Anita is found crying because something went awry in her sporting life.

"Bart, when you read the letter, I told you that I was trying to break Charlotte Boyle's world record in the PFDF 1st World Championships that are to be held in the South Harmon Institute of Technology Sporting Complex in ten days, about 20 nautical miles from here. The thing is, that Canadian prodigy ate all my chances to break the world record in these World Championships because her world record of 22.40 meters has been officially recognized as such" she tells Bart, crying on the floor.

To cheer her up, Bart has the idea of using the _Potsdamerplatz Junk Gags_ tape that she keeps for every major competition. He introduces this in the VCR machine in the living room and relives the German-made gags, like the gag where the professor thinks the plasma TV is a blackboard. "Wunderbar!" the professor exclaims on TV. He uses a product to disinfect the TV and said product starts punching a hole in the plasma TV. "Kaput!" he screams when the German-made plasma TV literally vanishes in smoke.

The second gag involves something more advanced: Genevieve, a female gondola rower, rows her boat quite slowly with an old sage onboard. "I sense a great power in you. To set out and prove it, all I need you to do is to calculate the 17th power of pi divided by the twelfth root of 2, when still on this boat" he tells her. As she engages the fullest capabilities of her calculating brain, she suddenly starts rowing at a faster pace as her calculation speed increases. In the end, she had her rowboat crash into the curb near the Doge's Palace (Venice, Italy) when giving out the answer to the sage's ordeal while thrown out of the boat. "I can only give out like the integer portion of the challenge, and with 3 significant digits at that… she hits the ground It's the speed of light, expressed in meters per second!" she answered on TV. "Spoken like a true New Yorker!" Bart exclaims, because he noticed Genevieve's pin had the mention 201-NYC-05 on it.

Bart laughs with Genevieve's mental calculation feat: considering the time between the time at which the challenge is issued, she had about 30 seconds to do it. Because even the best mental calculator wouldn't be capable of multiplying seventeen increasingly big, irrational numbers that fast and get the correct answer with more than 5 significant digits. Actually, the video gag was shot with the intent of raising funds for the Boucherville Rowing Club, even if the pin comes from New York City.

And one could see a dozen gags before getting to the main thing, _the_ gag Anita listens to before every competition. Bart, then at home, contacts Milhouse to catch up on his schoolwork during the PTA strike, "Milhouse, did you see the bath? The one named Anita." Moe, on his side, takes up the phone, "OK, when I call out your name, um, you say "present" or "here". Er, no, say "present". Ahem, Anita Bath(e)?" Moe asked. The children laugh. "All right, settle down. Anita Bath(e) here?" Moe continued to ask, as the children laugh. "All right, fine, fine. Maya Buttreeks!" More laughter ensued but he says, "Hey, what are you laughing at? What? Oh, I get it, I get it. It's my big ears, isn't it, kids? Isn't it? Well, children, I can't help that!" Moe runs out of the classroom crying.

Once the show is off the tape, Anita tells him a thing or two. "As the _International House of Answering Machines_ sponsors the PFDF World Championships, the IHAM is pleased to announce that you, Bart Simpson, will be the in-house announcer for the entire duration of the PFDFWCs. China Eastern, as a secondary sponsor of the PFDFWCs, endowed US 2 x 106 to the South Harmon Institute of Technology, who, in turn, has named its second most coveted chair the _China Eastern Aerospace Engineering Chair_. Your employer has paid 4 million to sponsor the Plunge for Distance World Championships and it goes through the endowment of the SHIT, which is US 6 million as of today." But this is too much for Bart, with Anita telling him that "The top three rivals I must watch out for are Maya Buttreeks, Suriname's veteran distance diver, Amanda Huggenkiss, the top U.S. collegiate distance diver and also a SHIT student, and Julia Wilkinson, the Canadian university girl who just broke the world record in a Beijing short-course pool."

Later this morning, Homer wakes up with a letter under his pillow. "Classified?" Homer thought. He opens the letter, only to realize that the Supreme Court has finally answered his request, dating back from the time where the _Itchy and Scratchy Movie _was the cultural landmark of the year. Because Lisa secretly advised Homer that, if he wants his son to be appointed to the Supreme Court someday, he has to learn how even Associate Justices got to their appointments.

"_The Right Honorable John Roberts?_ D'oh!" And the Supreme Court pays him a one-way trip to Washington D.C. His ticket is in the envelope; the note attached to the ticket states that Crazy Clown Airlines has upgraded the flight of today from and to Washington D.C. Dulles Intl to an Airbus A340-600 to clear the 3-day-long backlog of delays due in part to the nosegear fire of the usual Airbus A320 in a three-point landing. The bad news is, it's the very A340-600 he damaged by retracting the landing gears on the tarmac, since repaired to flying condition.

Once he is done reading the letter, Homer convokes the family. "Honey, I have to leave. An urgent affair of State has arisen and I must attend to it immediately. The reasons behind this are classified" he told his wife. "Dad, don't leave! We need you at home" Lisa shouted. "Accomplish your duty to our homeland, and return safe!" Bart wished Homer. "Don't cause damage to our government's propriety!" was Marge's wish. This time around, Marge prepares a large breakfast for the children, with Chinese dumplings, but run-of-the-mill bacon and pancakes.

"The time for Homer's last breakfast in Springfield has come!" Lisa stated in a ceremonious tone. Homer's special meal was a large plate of bacon, six pancakes and eight slices of bread. With the good cutlery and porcelain implements, of course. The children and Marge got the dumplings split three ways because Homer, out of patriotic reasons, refused to eat Chinese food. But, for family honor, he lets his wife drive the bus to the airport. And to have the national anthem played once out of the bus.

Unlike Otto before him, Homer purchased the case of Duff, still priced at 17.76, and opens two bottles at the same time, so much as to drink two beers at the same time. He manages to drink all 24 bottles before getting onboard the aircraft, in first class. Because the Chief Justice believes that the chief of its museum should be treated like any high-ranking staff attached to the Supreme Court, like Associate Justices.

"Mike Rotch has arrived from the airport!" Marge announced. "Your crotch? What crotch?" another passenger bound for the _South Harmon Institute of Technology_ asked. As Bart soon discovered, Mike Rotch was the male star of collegiate plunge for distance, a sophomore at Swigmore University. All because he was awarded the right to be the home announcer during the _PFD_ (Plunge for Distance)_ World Championships_. Both Anita and Lisa told him to learn as much as possible about plunge for distance and, at least, try plunge for distance once before the show.

While the Swigmore University PFD Club paid their fares (17.76 for the roundtrip, per person, all paid at once even if they only do the first leg today) the other three passengers are moved to the foremost seats of the bus. "The estimated time to get to the South Harmon Institute of Technology is 1 hour. During this time, do not try to wave the flag of your college from outside the windows, and there will be only one stop" Marge announces, before setting out for the _SHIT._

Meanwhile, at Moe's Tavern, some provisions are made: "I want to visit the _South Harmon Institute of Technology_ for myself. I heard the last student of my former professor is participating in a plunge for distance competition." He then fakes his voice to sound like General Zelgius: "I'm needed elsewhere. Collette, keep them engaged until I return." Collette answers, with some hypocrisy in her voice (almost the same as General Levail's voice), "Yes, sir." Once he gets out of the tavern to ride the bus, Moe pays Marge 17.76 as well, but she gives it to Bart. "Moe, I bet 17.76 that Marianne Kwyjibo XI, Zambia's cell phone throwing sensation, will succeed in winning Zambia's only medal in these Olympic Games. Please, let me proceed with this wager! Pleease!" Bart begs to Moe. "Bart, I'll grant you the wager, but only if you wager on the Plunge for Distance World Championships." For that purpose, he chose to go all-in on Anita Bathe for the women's senior event.

At the main entrance gate of the campus, there is a sign that says, _South Harmon Institute of Technology, home of the national plunge for distance training center. _The Swigmore University PFD Club, colloquially called the Swigmore All Blacks, has arrived at the SHIT only to find a beat-up campus whose top two attractions are the Olympic-sized (long course) pool and the Medical Engineering Department, whose patients are all diagnosed with psychiatric troubles. They all get to meet the university president, who happens to be the president of the PFDF as well. As president of the _All_ _Blacks_ PFD Club (from Swigmore University), Mr. Rotch gets to meet with Mr. Bartleby Gaines first.

"I'm Mr. Bartleby Gaines, president of the South Harmon Institute of Technology and the Plunge for Distance Federation. I'm proud to stage the first Plunge For Distance World Championships in my university. As you know, plunge for distance is an ill-known sport and, to encourage the distance divers of tomorrow, we must offer the chance to those of today to get together. I offer you a slot to run in the upcoming vote to designate the VP of Development should you win." Mike continues, "I'd say that Ms. Wilkinson or Ms. Bathe would be better suited in that role and they should be offered a candidate slot in the event of a victory of either one in the women's senior event."

They do not suspect that Julia Wilkinson is _not_ primarily known as a distance diver, but rather as an Olympic-level International Medley (IM) swimmer. And Amanda Huggenkiss is engaged to Mike, the former studying in the SHIT in electronic engineering, the latter studying in Swigmore University in sociology.

Also, while Anita goes out for training, Lisa invites Bart to read about plunge for distance history and the current state of the plunge for distance world, because he has a job to do when the PFD World Championships begin. For he is to do all the commenting in English on TV, a TV camera is installed in the press room and another one in the far side of the pool. He opens a book in a standard letter format; its formal quotation in bibliography is as follows:

UNG, Yvan and Genevieve FAVREAU. _COOP Document #26100, The Complete Book of Plunge for Distance (paperback English edition)._ Longueuil, Edouard Montpetit College Cooperative Library, 2008, 61 p.

Yvan's name comes first because Genevieve did very little (but she actually did something.) Very little is known about plunge for distance, apart from the Olympic competition in the Summer Games of the III Olympiad in St. Louis, 1904, so the Canadian collegiate book is the most complete work so far about plunge for distance. He begins to read the thin-sized book, "Chapter 1, The Origins. Plunge for distance is about as ancient as swimming itself…" There are five chapters in this book: The Origins (up to 1900), Echoes of Daybreak (1900-1910), The Golden Collegiate Age (1910-1946), The Decline (1947-2007) and Nowadays (2007-present). He is through reading the book and he did not realize that he skipped dinner. He then puts on his swimming trunks and he performs a first plunge for distance, just so he can try to do better than Otto's personal best. But he surfaces about 7 or 8 yards away from the starting block.

In the area called the National Plunge for Distance Training Center, Bart performs a test run of the PA system. He chuckles before pressing the switch to activate the PA system, "A little presupper entertainment." Once the switch is turned on, he begins to test the thing. "Is Oliver there?" The voice echoes in the outdoor pool, as his voice gets through the system's speakers.

Mike shouts Bart, "Who?" Bart, lodged in the press room, answers, "Oliver Klozoff?" An unsuspecting Oliver answers, with a strong Russian accent, "What do you ask of me?"

He does not suspect that Mr. Klozoff is actually the premier distance diver of the Republic of Abkhazia. However, the troubled status of his country led him to train elsewhere, at Laval University, in Quebec City, Canada. He is using a modified Laval University swim cap with Abkhazian decals on it, instead of the Laval University coat of arms. Bart just crosses his fingers at his reaction. Before shutting down the PA system, he speaks one last time, "Test run successful."

Beijing-side, though, Otto continues his training alongside Tommi Huotari and he tries snatching the weight off the ground. He first tries at 75 kg. Tommi also tries at 75 kg and both men succeed. Otto decides to raise the bar at 80 kg. He succeeds whereas the Finnish fails. And the bus driver failed at the new bar of 85 kg, even as Tommi fails at 80 kg once more, ending the snatching portion of the training ploy.

The Finnish cell phone thrower jerks the weight at 90 kg. Having lost the first round, he gains the right to do his clean & jerk first. And Otto successfully does the same, while Tommi, in turn, increases to 95 kg. Both men succeed and the final frontier, 100 kg, is their scoremark. Of course, they're far from the official records, as they both weigh between 70 and 75 kg, but they both succeed.

"Otto, at least your competitors gave you a few tricks to train with: all we have to do is to go to the Laoshan Mountain Bike Course. Your friends are already there" Wang tells him. But from the very moment they step outside the gymnasium, Otto begins coughing as though the wretched air made Otto sick.

It wasn't even Mr. Huotari who boarded the bus to Laoshan; Mr. Lilium rode the bus for the Laoshan Mountain Bike Course. "All I want you to do, Otto, is to run a single lap of the course. Do it as fast as you can. It may be hard on you, but if you lack endurance, you won't get much further in your cell phone throwing career" he says.

Heated up by a weightlifting session and a tumultuous drive to the Laoshan Mountain Bike Course, Otto is more than ready to tack on the challenge he is about to give to Mr. Lilium, provided two bikes are there. After all, the bikes are free to be rented by athletes, no matter what sport they compete in. The rental booth has three kinds of bicycles: they are used for either track racing, road racing or mountain biking. "Two mountain bikes, please" Otto asked. "We're both athletes, contestants in the cell phone throwing event." The clerk asks for their names. "I am Otto Mann, from the United States" and the other cell phone thrower says "Timmo Lilium, from Estonia." After a simple check in the athletes' manifest, they were allowed to pick up their bikes for free.

"Dude, it's time to roll!" he warns. They both begin at a good pace, Otto with heavy metal music in his ears, but they soon realize that the wretched air takes a toll on them, and turn back, with short breath once they returned the bikes. "Biking in the mountains near Beijing is no good!"


	7. Confusion

In this chapter, you may learn more about Arnie Pye and his life. But, for now, accept what I say only as a theory.

CHAPTER 7 :

CONFUSION

Wang begins to talk to Otto, "Do you still want to throw cell phones after these Olympics? Or you want to take up another sport instead?" To which the bus driver answers, "No matter how well or how ill I perform in these Olympics, it's decided: the world of cell phone throwing is not very good for me, because I can't perform on a high. I will retire from the cell phone throwing world after the Olympics"

But Otto is, in fact, deeply confused: he is fully aware that Mr. Cauley has been banned for two years, and so is Mr. Kincaid; if he is to retire, the United States will have to train someone else for the next 2 years (and eventually 4, if that someone performs at the same level as himself). Or he feels better without drugs, and maybe he would continue throwing cell phones four an extra 4 years. Or resume driving the school bus upon retirement. He may have announced its retirement just to tease his coach.

St. Hubert, Canada. The headquarters of _Plunge for Distance Canada_ (really, just an office with the files of athletes and coaches, along with the _PFDC_ ledger) regroup its top staff, but only a senior member is on station: Yvan. The main office receives a call from Beijing, concerning Julia Wilkinson. "You have reached the main office of Plunge for Distance Canada, how may I help you?" Yvan begins. A Chinese lifeguard asks him, "_Ni hao_. Can I talk to the person responsible for the Canadian team of the PFD World Championships? It's about Julia Wilkinson." It turned out that it was the lifeguard on station at the time where Ms. Wilkinson allegedly broke the women's PFD world record who measured the length of her world-record dive, not Otto.

"Sir, what's the matter with Julia Wilkinson? She is not on our records, but surely I can create her file if you give me accurate data about her" Yvan adds. All that is known about her is on her Texas A&M profile, apart (obviously!) from her plunge for distance records. The Chinese lifeguard adds, "We're talking about an Olympic champion here! She is the women's plunge for distance Olympic champion, with a world record of 22.40 meters!" Yvan counters with, "Ms. Wilkinson IS the world record holder, but plunge for distance has been rejected from the Olympic program for _Beijing 2008._ Maybe it will be officially held in 2012, as baseball and softball will no longer feature in Olympic competition. Sure, we had two main-board qualifiers but no alternate."

The Chinese lifeguard tells him, "In order to have two main-board athletes, your country needs to relegate one of the previous main-board athletes to the second-tier tournament. However, you must call the _South Harmon Institute of Technology_ administrative offices when your country's main instances have decided on whom to relegate to the second-tier tournament, whose winners access the main board." And so Yvan, because of his station among PFD Canada as PFDC's Finance Vice President, was one of the three people capable of deciding of a Canadian athlete's fate in the World Championships team of his country.

He organized a teleconference about this issue. "I think Tonnancour is the worst of the three ladies we could send to the World Championships. I know both (Sophie) Tonnancour and (Marie-Ève) Bois personally, and I saw them dive in the Rosanne Laflamme short-course pool. I believe Tonnancour would best benefit from diving in the 2nd tier tournament instead of being in the main board. Bois was the previous national record holder until Wilkinson broke the WR, after all" he said. The President and the VP for the sporting operations, also the COO, both agreed that Tonnancour has to be demoted.

Back to our cell phone throwing. Otto goes out to the same baseball field as he did a few days ago, owing four ice cream cones (though Ms. Wilkinson is not a recipient end anymore). Marco continues to throw cell phones at targets placed either at the second base or further beyond, as he is at the home plate. And Otto is accompanied by the Chinese coach, who tells him a few things that may be wrong. "Say what you will, but you need to spin a turn and a half. Therefore, start your spinning while you face rearward" Wang says.

He covers his hands in grime, just like a gymnast or a fencer would, and grips his fake cell phone like a discus. As he begins to spin, he forgets about spinning for 3/2 turns, he spins another turn instead and the cell phone get beyond the point where a home run is in force, for the cell phone is past the fence. "How far is the home run fence from the home plate anyway?" he asks. Wang answers that the outfield stretches to 280 ft, therefore Otto can think about beating the national (and possibly world) record in the Bird's Nest, having thrown at an estimated 84.49 meters.

After this throw, voices echo in Otto's head, "Say what you will, but you need to spin a turn and a half", "I will retire from the cell phone throwing world after the Olympics", "How far is the home run fence from the home plate anyway?" and their ghostly faces appear and rotate near Otto's face. "The Chinese will see what cell phone throwing is all about!" he shouts.

Instead of four ice creams, Otto purchases a box of the French-made _Rixe de Musiciens_ cookie assortment. "After all, Olympian dudes deserve better candies to eat than street-sold ice creams during the Olympic Games!" he exclaims. Janick also thinks likewise, because throwing a cell phone is an anaerobic activity. So she asks to have the snacks ready for the day of her competition. "Honestly, you make me think about the Magnuson family" Mr. Fei says. "They want the luxuries before major competitions" Marianne, who compete for, and trains in a third-world country, cannot help but wonder about the luxuries her opponents consume before a competition, such as a World Cup event or the Pan-Atlantic Championships. Or the Olympics. She asks Mr. Fei, "What luxuries?" He answers that "Goran, like her sister, consumes luxuries, like Swiss 70 cocoa chocolate or cognac and, the more important the competition, the more they take. However, Carolina has been arrested for DUI in Qingdao before she could compete and the Swedish National Olympic Committee banned her for the next four years." Therefore, the women's cell phone throwing Olympic playing field is just as depleted as the men's cell phone throwing Olympic playing field (though not extraordinarily so).

Sweden's premier cell phone thrower, Goran Magnuson, has a third-degree cousin who swims in the U.S. national team, Christine. Even though his distant cousin usually eats fast food, he wants to stuff her with something better. He asks Otto, "Is the _Rixe de Musiciens_ any good?" The American cell phone thrower answers, "I purchased seven boxes for US 17.79, so, by all means, take one."

In the United States, one can only purchase two boxes of _Rixe de Musiciens_ for that price. At least, in Springfield, it's two boxes for 17.76. (This means that the 17.76 pricing scheme is still present somehow, even if the price of one is US 12.99) But the price charged for the product sold in Beijing isn't that of the genuine French product; it's a _Made in China_ imitation. However, the one sold in Springfield is genuine, despite the boycott of Canadian, French and German products called for five years ago. (Said boycott has been called off since)

Springfield-side, festivities have been announced for the signing of the Springfield-Penang sister city treaty. Arnie does not look too happy about it. His father, the mayor of Penang, has entrusted him with an emblem that recalls him horrible memories: the Bowling Bracer of the Ramathans. Not only he saw his father break his wrist in bowling while wearing the Bracer when he was still in Penang, but also that it was a family heirloom entrusted to the eldest sons when they marry.

"Barney's Bowl-A-Rama? Why should I even go there?" Arnie asks. "My wife died under Moe's rule as Emperor of Springfield" D.S. then tells him, "I'm afraid that your marriage was arranged, actually after you left Malaysia. You must not meet with your second wife before the actual wedding." The reporter answers that "The Night League of Springfield has its championship tonight!"

The Pin Pals, the current Night League champions, are unable to defend its championship because Homer is in Washington D.C. for his job and Otto is in Beijing because he is the only U.S. athlete that met the Olympic standard in cell phone throwing. Moe and Apu have since then joined the DMV Kings. The four remaining teams, Holy Rollers, Channel 6 Wastelanders (of which Arnie is the captain), Stereotypes and Homewreckers, are all occupying two lanes each. And Arnie dusts off his bowling shoes, while his father says, "Since your marriage draws near, I want you to have the Bowling Bracer of the Ramanathans, so you can end your widow time in style"

Bart is also invited to bowl, with Lisa in tow, but they cannot compete in the Night League Championships, whose champions go to Washington D.C. compete in the Division III of the USBC (United States Bowling Congress) Open Championships. He begins to bowl a few minutes before the real action begins. Anita, who plays against Marge in the lane next to them, with Homer (the bowl) at the key, decides to play a variation on standard bowling: a series of three _Monte Carlo_ games. When one does a strike, a spare or a split involving the colored pins, the bowler who does so wins the game.

Marge dukes it out and makes all the pins fall except for one of the colored pins. However, she fails in hitting the colored pin, so Anita is left to win the first game on the grownup side. Bart applies his cell phone throwing technique to bowling, and very successfully at that, although the bowl does bounce. In the final bounce, it hits the kingpin, bringing down all the pins in a timely fashion. Therefore, he wins the first kids' game. "You cheated!" Lisa accused. Until the rest of the series continued, a continuous chain of "Did Nots" and "Did Toos" ensued and Anita had to intervene, "Bart was correct; he did not cross the foul line. You won the game, Bart."

But Anita failed to score a spare; Marge went on to win the one-game match, and mother had to face her son in a second game. As the main action commenced, lanes 1 through 10 are commandeered for the championships. She left the _Bowl-A-Rama_ for the IHAM because she lost the will to bowl, even as the _Night League_ held its championships at this time.

Bart, lost in all this confusion, finally dares to ask Anita about the prophecy of the Kwyjibos. "The Kwyjibo family told me that I was chosen and I was at the core of their prophecy. What's the prophecy? What I was chosen for?"

Anita answers that the Kwyjibo family greatly supported young brats like Bart and they believe an average brat can become an Olympian, with proper assistance and training, and, in the process, become a good boy (and later a good man). He could have chosen fencing instead, but he thought fencing was no cool at all, even if he practiced with fake lightsabers. He took his decision: "I will dedicate my life to cell phone throwing".

Inside the Bowl-A-Rama, the first of three games is about to end, and Arnie is on the verge of scoring a perfect game, making the _Channel 6 Wastelanders_ lead the first round despite the Bumblebee Man sending two full frames' worth of bowls in the gutter. Even so, the only way the Channel 6 Wastelanders hold off the DMV Kings and the Homewreckers is to have Arnie score a perfect game. If he sends the bowl in the gutter, the DMV Kings and the Homewreckers will still lead the tournament, albeit by 2 or 3 points. However, a perfect game would make the Wastelanders lead over the Homewreckers by 7 points and the DMV Kings by 8.

Kent approached Arnie, "Do you have any tips for us? We may lead the _Night League_ championship but we need to improve if we are to promote the _Night League_ into Division II. Or otherwise bowl for the country you come from if these tips fail." And Arnie answers, "Swing your throwing arm straight; you arc your bowl movement too much."

He does not even suspect that Mayor Quimby is in the bed with the woman Arnie is supposed to marry. "Chanelle, in your swimming suit, you are so… beautiful! I promise I will name a park with a swimming pool after you if you win the China Eastern Invitational Tournament!" And, in the middle of his sexual game with the French-Malaysian woman, someone suddenly opens the door, a medium-sized man with blue hair, and shouted to the Mayor, "You will do no such thing! Chanelle Kwan may be the premier female distance diver of Malaysia, but I, Pelleas Quimby, knew her through a plunge for distance competition!" To this, Joe answers, "Vote Quimby!" But Pelleas, who strangely looks like King Pelleas (in the video game Radiant Dawn, of which he is quite fond) dressed in modern-day clothes, shouts back, "You killed my father!" By then, Chanelle fell asleep but is quickly awaken by Quimby's announcement to Pelleas: "**I **am your FATHER!"

Chanelle smacks the Mayor and she tells him, in a burst of anger, "Look at your son! At least he is uncorrupted! You're so corrupt! I knew Pelleas for years; he is the chairman of the athletes' commission of the United States Plunge for Distance Council (USPFDC)." Pelleas pitches in, "I am the captain of the South Harmon Institute of Technology Odometers (the SHIT's male PFD team) and one of the NCAA top 5 distance divers!" Bart succeeded in going up to Moeview Motel and see the son of the mayor keeping the door open. The small boy and his boss shout, "Pelleas! Why are you showing up this late?"

He answers, "If I may, I came to save the city from corruption! Springfield has been ruled by corruption for far too long!"

The squeaky-voiced manager of the Springfield Mall's _International House of Answering Machines_ tells Bart at this very moment, "The regional director requests you to be on a TV show about the China Eastern Invitational Tournament. Instead of being the home announcer, you'll comment on the diving instead." His TV experience brought him a couple of tricks he could use for the airing of the China Eastern Invitational. He then daydreams of becoming the plunge for distance chronicler on TV for the Olympic Games, "Maya Buttreeks chose to dive first because her butt reeked, but Anita Bath(e)… Anita Bath(e) first… Anita emerged victorious, despite the claims that she needed baths between dives!" For both of them, the favourite in the men's competition is the son of the mayor himself. "Greetings. I am Bart Simpson, the one who saved your cousin from jail."

"I knew some Springfield kid saved my cousin from jail, but it's only now that I know which kid did so. Well, see you in Springfield University!" he says. Then the squeaky-voiced manager knows where his employee is going to announce at. He compels the young one to do a few practice runs. "Our current match: Pelleas Quimby of the United States, in lane #3, vs Jacques Strappe of Haiti, in lane #6. Pelleas is off to a good start, but he dives some bits too straight, giving Mr. Strappe an advantage. An advantage that Pelleas, a son of the mayor of Springfield, nullifies, as he remains deeper underwater than the Haitian can ever be" Bart allegedly rehearses. But Bart is no seer: he does not know which one Pelleas will face.

Even if he is a son of the mayor, and second at the U.S. Plunge for Distance championships behind Mr. Rotch, also third in the Pan-Pacific Plunge for Distance championships behind Japan's Yutaji Nakamura and Australia's Seymour Butts, that does not guarantee him either a bye or a weak rival for his first match. Bart continues his "rehearsing" with another makeshift sequence, typical on what's on a radio PFD broadcast, as done on Swigmore or South Harmon Institute of Technology student radios: "Tonnancour accessed the quarterfinals only through the disqualification of her opponent, Amanda Huggenkiss, for false-starting twice. She is now pit against Maya Buttreeks; she may be in for a miracle!" A few seconds after, he says, "Victory! Tonnancour earned victory over Maya Buttreeks of Suriname!"

Who really expected Sophie G. of Tonnancour (Tonnancour for short) to be pit against Buttreeks, and win, anyway? Marie-Ève Bois, Canadian women's PFD champion and her rival in the Canadian team? Darryl Holloway, the chief editor of the South Harmon Institute of Technology student newspaper, the _SHIT Detector_? Brom Buttreeks, Maya's father? Not even Tonnancour herself expected it! However, he turned on the TV and he is stunned by what he saw. "I will retire from the world of competitive plunge for distance, though it has always been a training tool for me as a swimmer – and always will be" Julia says. This is what she declared when an amateur video has been filmed about the plunge for distance women's competition.

"What the?" Bartleby thought, in his South Harmon office. "The world record holder – the main attraction of the PFD World Championships taken out? Tonnancour may promote to the first round of the main board, but she has to earn the slot left behind by Julia!"

By then, though, the _Night League_ has arrived to the end of the third match with the _Wastelanders_ tied for first against the _Homewreckers_. They have to face each other in a bowl-off. A single frame, with their best bowler; the one who can bowl it best wins. A strike would then be worth 30 points, a spare, 20 + the number of pins that fell in the first throw. Arnie is pit against Jacques. They glare at one another in hatred until Arnie bowls first, scoring a strike. Unnerved by the event, Jacques is left with two pins.

"I hereby declare the Channel 6 Wastelanders the winner of the 2008 _Night League_ championships!" Guan declared, from the PA system of the Bowl-A-Rama. He did bowl but only a single game, against the Mayor of Penang. Obviously, he lost the game, for the Mayor scored 9 strikes, only to send the last two bowls in the gutter, as opposed to Guan's 100 points.


	8. Miracle in the church

CHAPTER 8 :

MIRACLE IN THE CHURCH

Two days before the preliminary round of the cell phone throwing competition, Wang brings Otto, Janick and the State Comptroller, Janice's mother-side uncle. Wang forced him to attend the Sunday mass in the Cathedral of the Immaculate Conception in Beijing, because he wanted his protégé to be as close to God as possible in the last few days before the Olympic competition begins. He drove his bus at almost twice the permitted speed on the Olympic lane, with other religious athletes and officials onboard, at the other end of the city, not knowing that there was a baseball field near the cathedral.

"We have arrived!" he says. They arrived just in time to see Cardinal Li Shan, one of China's three cardinals permitted to vote in the elections of the Roman Catholic papacy. He is dressed just like Senator (and _Radiant Dawn's _Chapter 4-2 boss) Valtome, albeit he doesn't look like him at all. "Today's sermon is about Olympic honesty. Though cheating is not against the Ten Commandments in itself, some acts that can lead to cheating also lead to violations of the Ten Commandments: stealing other competitors' equipment, bearing false witnesses in protests, dishonouring your family (if you're only a relative to an athlete or official). God wanted athletes to win without the use of drugs; the Olympic Oath has also been secretly sworn on a Bible after the Opening Ceremonies were held."

Otto then goes out and put on a tiny bit of holy water on himself. And he goes out to light a candle, praying in front of it. "God, if You can help me win a medal in the Olympic Games, I will pledge that I will regularly confess all my sins for the rest of my life" he prayed. Then he goes out to practice his cell phone throwing in the baseball field, just after the mass. His coach suggested the public to engage in cell phone throwing matches against him, under standard IAAF rules. "I'm certain that the local cell phone shop has plenty of customers to purchase the old cell phones, either from the West or the locally-made ones" Wang thought. With his radio and his case of heavy metal music, he puts his _Poison_ music into his CD player.

The bus driver has always been a right-handed cell phone thrower. But when he still was in front of the rack of candles, God seemed to have his way with the athlete. He would uphold His end of the deal but only if Otto practiced throwing left-handed so he could fall back on his left hand should something go awry with his right hand. And so Janick went first to throw left-handed. Otto then realizes that she is a left-handed cell phone thrower. "I'm afraid I am nowhere near you regarding cell phone throwing, but I know you crave intelligent girls. But we're both Olympians, right? So I must ask you, as my uncle is your superior (albeit indirect), and he wants us to make our parts to reconcile Canada and the United States despite the recent political conflicts!" she says. Otto replies, "First off, you may very well appreciate heavy metal and other things that are about where to find smoke in relation to water, but I don't crave intelligent girls. Just that, between Olympians, it is cool for a male Olympian to date an intelligent girl. If only we could go out on a date the night before our competition…" She says, "Once an Olympian, always an Olympian. The lives of Olympians of the past often teach us Olympians of today interesting lessons, especially about people who, despite the political positions of the countries they represent… go on to live romance during Olympics. It's the day before my competition, for yours is held the day after. Do you want to go out with me, just this once?" Otto nods.

Springfield-side, the Sunday sermon was about something other than Olympic integrity. "God wants all of us to achieve our destiny in the world. Very often, we will hear athletes see that little is done for them, but if we prevent them from fulfilling their destiny, God will consider it as an unforgivable sin. Because supporting athletics will often have side effects that would prevent God from exacting vengeance on us!" Reverend Lovejoy declared in front of his church, before a marriage could be held.

Of course, Chanelle is a Roman Catholic but that does not prevent Rev. Lovejoy from performing her marriage ceremony, despite his Episcopal affiliation. Tonnancour, a fellow distance diver, like Chanelle, begins her speech about the special occasion that forced everyone to remain in the church, "We're here today to celebrate the union of two people that lived in both ends of the world before they were reunited. The Asian female plunge for distance champion pledged that, through her marriage, she could make a better world, if only through inter-cultural wedding."

Arnie and Chanelle approached the altar, with the standard musical "marriage theme" Reverend Lovejoy got to his part, "Arnie Pye Ramanathan, do you pledge to love Chanelle Kwan and throughout your years together to be honest, faithful, and kind to her. Do you pledge to give to her the same happiness she gives to you, to react to her as only you can, and to respect her for who she is, not who you want her to be?" And Arnie says, "Yes, I do." The same thing is repeated for Chanelle. Reverend Lovejoy finalizes the ceremony with "Do anyone here oppose this marriage? If so, s/he should speak up now, or remain silent forever. (A moment of silence ensues) By the authority vested in me by the State of Springfield, witnessed by your friends and family, I hereby declare you husband and wife. You may kiss the bride."

Under the song _The Pledge_ from Radiant Dawn (the song played when a character promotes to either superior tier, i.e. from first to second tier or second to third tier) the couple leave the church. The choice of music is rather awkward, but it was Pelleas' idea after all, being an avid _Fire Emblem_ fan himself. Chanelle's Maid of Honor, Tonnancour, and Arnie's Honor Attendant, Pelleas, are outside the church throwing artificial petals made out of recycled counterfeit notes from _every_ country whose bank notes have ever been counterfeited. Because some tiny countries, such as Tuvalu, never had their bank notes counterfeited. "It was my idea!" Tonnancour said. The Canadian and Malaysian plunge for distance teams for both the _China Eastern Invitational_ and the PFD World Championships have been invited by Chanelle to the wedding reception, a _makan beradab_ (albeit with both Western and Malay meals). Little do they know is that the United States PFD Council team for these two events have purchased tickets and so do all the athletes involved in both events. Along with their coaches.

Even then, the City of Penang only pays for the alcohol, as their primary event in the _makan beradab_ is a rematch for the top three positions of the binge drinking world championship, as Larry Moist is a guest of the groom's father. He arrives in Springfield with questions pertaining to his "prize", a bronze medal. Larry asks D.S. (Ramanathan) about the reasons as to why he received the object at his home. "Mr. Mayor, why did I receive this thing?" he asks. "You were, at some point, ranked #2 in the world in men's binge drinking when you were defeated by Aziz Ramanathan, a Penang local. Today, you will face both the World Champion and the Vice-Champion. But you have to relinquish the bronze medal for now." DS says. "Best of luck!"

Between the wedding ceremony and the sumptuous banquet, Homer receives a call in his _Supreme Court Museum_ office. "Hi, Homer. How is it like in Washington D.C. among the circle of federal politics?" Marge asks. "I never met any politicians other than Supreme Court Justices at my workplace! But I can watch TV all day long, to be honest, and still get paid! Sorry, honey, but I have to go to the National Cathedral of Washington"

Though the Supreme Court, in itself, has nothing to do with religion, the Supreme Court Museum, however, has its chief curator replace the flag of its State in the National Cathedral at the moment of his/her appointment. As he enters the Cathedral, the organist, two college-level flutists and a high school choir rehearse "The Messenger" (or _Empress Sanaki_; they have the same sheet music) and, dressed in his reverend clothing (dating back from the days when he operated a chapel in his garage to celebrate homosexual weddings), Homer actually adds the flag of Springfield State, next to the flag of Tennessee, with the Chief Justice below, seeing Homer consecrate the flag himself.

Once down the ladder, Homer and John (Roberts) get to the Jerusalem Altar, when all of a sudden the holy water urn next to the Jerusalem Altar turn wine red. "What is it, Reverend Simpson?" John asks. "A miracle! A miracle! The holy water turned into holy, red prayer wine!" Homer exclaims. No one bled in the surroundings of the Cathedral's main altar, and there was no one else in the church at the time. He also sees the Altar illuminate as though the Altar itself was one big fluocompact light bulb. His oath of Supreme Court Museum Chief Curator is to be sworn on that altar, the same way he would be sworn as though he bore witness in court. "Do you swear to serve the Supreme Court Museum to the best of your capabilities? To remain as neutral as possible in Supreme Court activities?" John says. Homer recites the oath, "I, Homer Simpson, swear to serve the Supreme Court Museum to the best of my activities and to remain as neutral as possible in Supreme Court activities."

The Archbishop in residence has arrived and sees Reverend Homer in front of the prayer wine generated as a result of the miracle that happened right in front of him. "When I left the altar for a walk, I saw the holy water in its normal state; what you saw made me return, Reverend. To certify the miracle, I would require you to drink the whole chalice of holy wine" At the word wine, Homer began to drink the wine as though it was Duff beer. "D'oh!" he thought, as the TV camera was right in front of him. "Reverend Homer, could you please tell me about the miracle?" an off-screen voice asks. Homer answers, "I saw the Jerusalem Altar lighting up but I did not touch the altar itself. And I also saw the holy water turn into wine. The Archbishop made me drink the wine to be sure it wasn't faked out." Finally, the journalist ends with, "This is Sergei Polatov for WIII"

He deserved his Reverend title, as he earned his priesthood by becoming a missionary in Micronesia despite all his flaws in his religious mission. Dressed in his Reverend clothing, he finds an abandoned warehouse nearby, and he takes refuge in it. What he begins to do is to build an altar out of shelf racks and the rather poor end result looks more like General Bryce's armor, the one he wore when he was killed by General (and later Lord) Ike, than an actual altar. And he found candles along with a few pots to contains his candles. But he made a haphazard out of the candle pots, leaving them on the altar. The haphazard is so severe some of the candles fell out of their sockets and, luckily, just fell out without any of them being ignited.

Springfield-side, the wedding reception is held in Springfield High School, in a bid to save the establishment. As a result, the State of Penang (the City of Penang is the capital of the State of Penang) paid all the room rental costs, evaluated at US1,000. Marge drives the bus containing the newlyweds, along with the honor guests, the drunkards who are to be pit against each other, and the United States, Canada and Malaysia plunge for distance teams. However, Mr. Risotto contributed to free food. And, for the first time in Springfield history, the band playing at the wedding reception is not an actual band. The "band", because they requested to have an inclined TV screen, had to provide their own for themselves. The only actual musician in the "band" plays the cell phone.

Lisa has just picked up an humoristic comparison chart between rockers and _Guitar Hero_ champions, provided free of charge by the Canadian plunge for distance team. Here is what the chart says:

True rockers:

Acclaimed by all, especially buxom beauties  
Have large lips to kiss more than a girl at a time  
Wear dyed sunglasses to look cool  
Wear eccentric hair cuts  
Is slim as hell due to their diet, composed primarily of drugs  
Generate groupies from thin air  
Have eccentric clothing tastes to create a look for himself  
Wear (synthetic) crocodile-hide-hewn shoes whose smell fit with their pheromones

True _Guitar Hero_ champions:

Acclaimed by a restricted public who squat the couch  
Have small lips, ideal to drink energy drinks with a straw  
Wear strong glasses because they wear their eyes out by long training sessions in front of a TV  
Wear a mullet (if literally translated from French, a _Longueuil Cup_) and a mustache that stings  
Is fat because of their diet, composed primarily of low-fat popcorn, low-sodium chips and Coke Zero (to give a champion good conscience)  
Does not generate groupies at all  
Have rather bland clothing tastes that can be summed up as Wal-Mart-acquired leggings and sweaters  
Wear white socks in order to keep the floor clean

Bart stops by the _International House of Answering Machines_ and realizes his supervisor has closed the shop at 17 o'clock. "Use the Phone!" his boss says. As he does that, he begins to figure out what button plays what note, but he has so little cellphone musical training that even General Bryce could out-play him with a cell phone, as Bart's speciality is the trombone. "For the wedding reception of today, I am to play with my band, called the _Fire Emblems_. One of the songs I have in store was given to me through you, and I still have the sheet music" the squeaky-voiced manager says. That one unwillingly agreed to use _In the Garden of Eden_ by I. Ron Butterfly.

As for Pelleas, he was seen rehearsing his "music" in a room of the Moeview Motel, as the only member of the U.S. plunge for distance team that was not in the bus bound for Springfield High. A child asks him, "Sir, could you teach me music? I mean, electric guitar… I have a Legend Rickenbacker 360 to start with!" Pelleas asks, "Do you have bases on which to build?" The child replies, "I have my _solfège_." A frustrated Pelleas tells him, "I'm talking about real bases. Do you know the five colors of the _Flying V_ remote control?" To which the kid does not answer. However, the only son of Mayor Quimby recognized as such offers the kid a chance to play on his custom-made _Flying V_ remote control with a custom-made amp that goes to 11. However, said amp is not set to 11, for a 11 setting would almost shatter a glass of wine. And wake up everyone still sleeping in the motel.

"Here we go! We are playing _Days of Wine and D'oh'ses_! You, grab the _Flying V_ remote control, while I sing!" Pelleas begins to sing while the kid begins to find the music weird. "Pelleas! Pelleas! I heard that your band was to release a videoclip!" the kid says. "What's your name?" he asks. "I will issue an _All Access_ pass for you, but I need your name first" The honored kid answers, "You will do this… for me? I am August Rush!" Once the all-access pass made, he begins to play the videoclip, _Days of Wine and D'oh'ses_, only to find that the videoclip utilises a scene from a fight between spear-wielding samurai (i.e. Danved vs. General Roark, Chapter 3-9, _Radiant Dawn_)

Washington DC, 18 o'clock. As the museum remains open for another three hours, a new visitor arrives at the door of the chief curator's office. That visitor seems intent about asking him questions pertaining to Earl Warren's early life. "Do you know anything about Chief Justice Earl Warren's early law career?" she asks. "By law, I am obligated to keep a record about you and the reasons behind this request", Homer asks. "D'oh!" he mutters. "My name is Tara Whitten. I am completing a LL.D. and my thesis is about how his experience as a strip-teaser could have influenced his legal outlook" she says. "You are THE fabled law _Prodigy McProdigy_ the Supreme Court was after! I was told by Chief Justice Roberts himself that if he cannot meet with you, then I was to do so in his stead. I have to tell you, what Rt. Hon. Earl Warren was considered radical in his time, not only for a law student, but for any sphere of university-level study. It is true that his experience as a stripper is unique in his time but so was his stripping style. And he became ashamed with his stripper experience but later reinstated strip-teasing in his own life." Tara answers to Homer's lecture, "That reinstatement coincided with his appointment as Chief Justice. It also explains why he was so controversial. His decisions, in the Warren Court, were controversial enough not to make him reveal he was a stripper in his youth. He became conservative as a judge in order to hide this part of his life. By secretly admitting his life as a strip-teaser, he actually created a precedent"

To whom this fact has been revealed, no one knows, apart maybe the descendants from any such people. It was true that Rt. Hon. Earl Warren was the only Supreme Court Chief Justice that did, at one point, engage in strip-teasing for any legal purpose. However, rumor has it that people employed in the Pentagon at the time became aware of that fact and petitioned the President to declare it classified. Because he feared Communists from within the United States would assassinate him while still in office.

To the eyes of the competitors, entrenched in Springfield High, the acting referee, Tonnancour, swears her oath on a Bible, "In the name of all judges, I shall promise that we shall officiate in this World Championship match with complete impartiality, respecting and abiding by the rules which govern them in the true spirit of championship." Because there were other entrants than just the three current medallists, the alcohol capabilities of the school were not enough to ensure the flow of the competition. Moe instead invited four of the remaining Big Six, along with Hugh (Jass), to drink alongside the competitors, in his own tavern; however, they are off-contest. As Reverend Simpson is in his Washington D.C. makeshift church, watching TV, he is forced to watch Barney trying to out-drink Oliver Klozoff, Aziz, Larry and other heavy drinkers that were in plunge for distance teams, none of which are Canadian.

With the closed-circuit links that bind Moe's Tavern and Springfield High School, Pelleas leads his band with August Rush as the lead guitarist, singing _Days of Wine and D'oh'ses _as the competition begins. And _A Milhouse Divided_, loosely based on _Sorrowful Prince Pelleas_ (since Pelleas has the best experience of _Guitar Hero_ mechanics in the band, he gets to choose all the songs), comes up next. However, it had the insidious effect of making everyone drink slower, so Tonnancour asked them to play something else, _In the Garden of Eden_, for the first time with a cell phone. Once the 17.5-minute-long _In the Garden of Eden_ has ended, the crowd in Springfield High requested an encore.

Lenny goes up to Moe, whose role is only to supply the competitors with drinks, and asks him to use the phone. "If you want to call the only one among the Big Six not in town… you have to take a minimum of four rounds" He begins to drink the four rounds and his time in the four-round race is barely enough to get him to qualify for the four-round event of tonight. Not like the endurance event, which is a binge drinking classic.

Aziz begins his strike so he can attempt to out-drink Barney Gumble (and the people of Penang can see him try to do so on TV) as Tonnancour begins to intensify her substrate-level phosphorylation. In other terms, increase her energy expenditure and, this time around, it's by running around the tavern. But she knows that she cannot intensify her substrate-level phosphorylation without increasing her oxidative phosphorylation as well, unlike many of her fellow distance divers or the other entrants of the competition she has to arbiter. Anita remains calm, though. The PFDF authorizes the use of alcohol because it does nothing but hamper one's performance. She entered the four-round competition without particular expectations, qualifying by defeating Brianna Reiss of Ireland, who is the women's vice-champion of Europe in the four-round race, in an exhibition match organized to fund the journey of the German plunge for distance team.

But also because she has a corruption detector and she could detect that one of the contestants attempted to bribe her. That sent her running all over the place as the disqualified contestant of the mixed endurance event ran circles around her.

Meanwhile, Pelleas gets an interview on TV, even as the one asking him the questions is actually in the wedding reception of his subordinate. "Please tell me, Pelleas, why did you suddenly appear out of nowhere and reveal yourself as the son of the mayor" Kent asks. "I guess I could have remained hidden and continue my plunge for distance life in South Harmon, but there is a part of myself that ties me back to Springfield. As I heard from another Springfieldian who worked as an intern in the _Springfield Shopper_, corruption ran rampant. But also that I wanted the mayor's antics to be revealed publicly." Kent continues, "Have you ever imagine to run for mayor against your own father?" Pelleas says, "Not yet. I am not interested in becoming the mayor of a city whose moral base must be rebuilt and, at the same time, study electric engineering." Kent asked him one last question he has been holding back, "Finally, how do you consider plunge for distance?" The young man says, "Contrary to popular belief, plunge for distance is just as elaborate as swimming can be. Any man with decent swimming skill can glide for about 15 meters without much of a PFD training. But to be able to dive at an international level requires intense devotion. When I had to watch plunge for distance meets from the stands (because it wasn't my turn to dive), at Swigmore University, Edouard Montpetit College, or Laval University, among others, I've seen a crowd watch breathlessly a close fight for laurels between evenly matched contestants, then break the surface under thunderous applause when the performance has been spectacular."

Pelleas himself was never known as a man who played _Guitar Hero_ professionally. It's the first concert of the _Fire Emblems _as it is now. Because Tonnancour is not here, Marie-Eve gave him an olive wreath in her stead. "My wedding gift for you is another copy of my Physics book. It is called _University Physics_, I purchased this thing while in New York for a competition in the City University of New York." Marie-Eve tells him, "You seem to have a crush on Tonnancour; she told me herself that New York City haunts her every Physics move. Not that she is necessarily no good in Physics, but when someone tricks her and me to talk about physics problems, she always seem to talk about Yvan." Arnie pitches in, "Which Yvan? Surely you can tell me more about this man." Marie-Eve tells them, "Yvan? I was in his class in high school, before I discovered plunge for distance as a sport of its own. In the PFD world, he is best known as being the premier PFD historian. But those who know him more closely know that he displays some skill in science, despite his somewhat defeatist attitude toward the learning material." The bride tells her "arch-enemy", "Arnie told me that, before 1947, many prominent swimmers, artistic divers and water polo players began their aquatics careers as distance divers, but today, the reverse is true." The Canadian girl, who seems to look like Chanelle when she was Marie-Eve's age, tells them that both Tonnancour and herself were competitive swimmers and introduced to PFD as a training tool.

Moe's Tavern, 23 o'clock. After the medals were awarded back to their former recipients, with Barney Gumble as the official Endurance Drinking World Champion and his medal kept in Moe's new office (because the ancient office was the women's restroom, but due to WBDU regulations, if mixed events are held in a venue, the venue must have restroom for both sexes) in the basement, because Moe felt that Barney was too irresponsible to keep the object for himself. But also because he feels he could open a museum of alcoholism.

The mixed four-round event feature drunkards from all around the world; even Brianna Reiss and Idris Ramanathan, Aziz's half-brother, are all lined up to start in the race. However, all top ten endurance finishers forfeited the event, not because they did not want to compete, but the referees, led by Tonnancour, ruled that they drank too much beer in the to compete again. And Penang-side, where betting on drinking events has gained in popularity, prognostics are published concerning the four-round event. They rated their own prominent four-round drinkers the highest, such as Tirunesh Mahsuri, the reigning Asian women's champion, and Idris Ramanathan, son-in-law of the Mayor of Penang.

Anita and Brianna duke it out to drink the alcohol as fast as they can, struggling for second, but Tirunesh, who is better known as the youngest person of either sex to win a major senior drinking championship, comes back from behind to overtake both Brianna and Anita, who trained through the 80 Oz. To Freedom scheme. Of course, the US-acquired Sophie Arbour (unrelated to Louise Arbour, the former U.N. High Commissioner for Human Rights) decided to try overtaking the European duet of women with Lenny by running a team race, but she still have Tirunesh to take over, not knowing that Brianna begins her fourth round as her American opponents finish their third rounds. No one did overtake Tirunesh, and Brianna remains in second place as Idris overtook Lenny, Sophie and Anita. Carl encourages his friend, who swiftly overtakes all the people, even Tirunesh, with whom he enters a fierce battle for the gold medal. In a quick shotburst of drinking, Brianna catches up to even Tirunesh herself, accelerating her own substrate-level phosphorylation to do so, resulting in an exciting three-way finish. But Lenny, having barely qualified, ran out of energy and had to settle for a fourth-place tie with Sophie.

In Penang, people watch closely the battle for the first place, where Tirunesh struggles with her compatriot and also, with Brianna (for the European champion is behind even Anita, as she is out of shape). "Tirunesh! Tirunesh! Tirunesh!" they holler. Brianna lost her leeway and she got narrowly defeated. She feels deeply guilty about the whole ordeal; it was her one chance to defeat the Penang-native drinking prodigy, who got an offer for a scholarship from Penang State University at the tender age of 13 in order to captain its binge drinking team to victory. Moe's Tavern then received a call from none other than the Premier Minister of Penang, Lim Guan Eng.

"Moe's Tavern. Who's calling?" he says. "The Honourable Premier Minister of Penang. I want to talk to Tirunesh and to Tirunesh alone." Tonnancour calls for Tirunesh. The teenager, now the 4-round drinking world champion, reluctantly takes the call, suspecting an individual that failed to qualify for the final phase was posing as the Prime Minister of Penang (as he personally took a liking to her and, as such, gave her the backing of the State) to threaten her. But what most of the public does not know (outside Malaysia) is that, _de jure_, children are allowed to drink at any age but, for people who aspire to become professional binge drinkers, the upkeep of their training must be borne by people who are 18 years old or older.

What is known about her is that she out-drank everyone her age and no league made of drinkers her age in all of Malaysia would accept her, even at the highest level. The only place she could turn to in order to hone her drinking skill would be university but, from a purely intellectual standpoint, she is an average girl. However, she was accepted into the national binge drinking team, entirely made of Penang-dwellers, through the tryouts held in her hometown.


End file.
